I LOVE Vincenzo and Everything On His Plate!

He Tells It Like It Is!

I've been writing these little bits and pieces of advice and opinion for over twenty years. I don't how it is that, up until very recently, I missed a guy named Vincenzo Prosperi.

Born in Abruzzo in 1983 and now living in Australia with his Australian-born wife, Vincenzo is the creative genius behind the YouTube sensation “Vincenzo's Plate,” which he launched in 2014. Vincenzo has amassed an enormous following across many platforms. Because I don't spend any significant time on social media, I stumbled upon “Vincenzo's Plate” quite by accident. I watched one video and immediately became a follower. I've since watched close to a hundred and have yet to find one I didn't like.

The guy could be a much younger version of me. Our philosophies on food are nearly identical. He eschews the title “chef” and instead prefers to be called a cook. He readily acknowledges the influence his nonna's cooking has had on his own recipes and techniques, and he is way beyond a stickler when it comes to preserving Italian culinary traditions. In short, he tells it like it is and doesn't care who he takes on or whose ego he punctures in the process.

His “reaction” videos are priceless. Watching him take on various TikTok and YouTube idiots who blatantly massacre Italian traditions in the name of “creativity” or “convenience” or whatever is absolutely inspiring.

You'll hear him say, “What is this 'Italian seasoning' they talk about? It's herbs like oregano and basil. It's used in all kinds of cooking. What's “Italian” about it?” Some TikTok cretin was getting ready to pour a pile of about six different spices into an “Italian” pasta dish. “Where am I,” he said, “in India? There's nothing Italian about this.” When somebody broke the spaghetti in half for a baked spaghetti, Vincenzo cried out, “Did you see that?! She just killed the spaghetti!” Preach it, brother!

And he is not afraid to go after the big guns, either. He has very little use for Gordon Ramsay, for example, and even though Guy Fieri and Buddy Valastro have Italian names, they didn't do well under Vincenzo's scrutiny. And I had to laugh at Vincenzo's reaction to Paula Deen. Her putting a dry burger patty between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts absolutely stunned and horrified him. He called her a “nightmare,” a sentiment with which I can identify.

Even when he is generally approving of somebody he's watching, like Stanley Tucci making aglio e olio, he still offers insightful criticism when he sees something wrong. Shame on you, Stanley, for wasting extra virgin olive oil by adding it to the cooking water. And thinly slicing the garlic is good, but mincing or crushing it is better because then you don't have to eat chunks of garlic.

In most of his videos, Vincenzo pointedly wears (and sells) t-shirts proclaiming the immutable facts that there is no cream in carbonara and no pineapple on pizza.

Besides his hilarious and spot-on take downs of the flaws and foibles in other peoples recipes and techniques, his own offerings on how to properly prepare various Italian dishes are master classes in the art. After watching him make spaghetti pomodori the other day, I had to go make some for dinner myself, pleased with the realization that we both make it exactly the same way. My wife was wondering why I was yelling, “Yes! Yes! Yes!” at my computer. It was because I was watching Vincenzo lambasting some moronic attempt at making aglio e olio and then demonstrating the proper method.

Like me – and any Italian cook worth the title – Vincenzo is a huge proponent of finishing pasta in the sauce. He correctly says that cooking the pasta first and then dumping the sauce on top is a crime against good food. “The pasta dries out,” he says, “and it dies. It sits on the plate and it's dead.”

Neapolitan pizza dough, tomato sauce, cacio e pepe, Italian meatballs, gnocchi, lasagna, ravioli, arancini, bruschetta, tiramisu, cannoli.....and so much more. All done in the classic Italian style with no tolerance for “variations.” You wanna put cream and peas in your carbonara? Fine. But don't call it “carbonara” because it's not. Some YouTube boob will proclaim that Italians use garlic in everything. Vincenzo will call “stronzate” on that and show you how to use garlic with restraint, the way real Italians do.

The subtitles accompanying his videos are unintentionally funny in and of themselves. His accent is quite thick and whoever captions him often does it so badly that the English captions sometimes require English translation. For instance, in one video he said “spaghetti aglio e olio” but the caption read “spaghettio.”

Even though he lives in Australia, Vincenzo is proudly and passionately Italian and considers himself to be an ambassador for Italian culture. He finds inspiration in all things Italian. He once was inspired to create a baked pasta dish after listening to Andrea Bocelli and Ariana Grande sing “e più ti penso,” the inspiration coming from Andrea's classical Italian authenticity combined with Ariana's more contemporary approach.

So, I could go on talking about Vincenzo and “Vincenzo's Plate” for several more pages but why don't you just go and discover him for yourself? He's on YouTube and Facebook and all the popular platforms, but just Google “Vincenzo's Plate” and you'll find him. When you do, I promise you'll become a follower.

The Total Morons On Yelp Who Are Guiding Your Decisions

Don't Whine, Don't Whimper, Don't Cry. And, Above All, Don't Yelp

Anybody who drops by here knows I don't have a lot of use for Yelp and other social media outlets of the sort.  The reason is simple: too much democracy. It's the same reason the Founding Fathers chose a democratic republic for our form of government. In theory, at least, under a republic, ordinary people choose educated and qualified individuals from among their ranks to represent them in the decisions that will affect them. In a true democracy, it's every man for himself. Just throw it all out there and see what sticks. Social media “review” sites operate the same way. Rather than allow qualified, educated critics, reviewers, and guides to provide information on where to go, what to eat, what to see, etc., many people opt, instead, to “Yelp,” thus putting themselves at the mercy of legions of absolute idiots.

I mean, before you go calling me an elitist snob, think about it: how many ordinary people do you know whose advice you would trust implicitly in making an important decision? Oh, sure, some of your trusted friends and maybe a few family members are pretty hip and cool, and they'd be alright to ask. But among the people you meet in the store or pass on the street, how many? The spiky-haired dude on the subway who has so many piercings he looks like he fell face first in a tackle box? The girl with the tattoo of a snake coming up out of her cleavage and wrapping around her neck? How about the redneck biker who lives down the street and blows you out of bed revving up his Harley on Saturday morning? Or the airhead you got behind in line at the supermarket who had to pull out the calculator on her phone to total up the two items in her cart? Are any of these total strangers – emphasis on “strange” – folks you would want giving you opinions on matters of taste? If you're a Yelper, they already are.

CNN recently compiled a bunch of Yelp “reviews” that perfectly illustrate my point. Here are a few of the more mind-numbing ones for your consideration.

A Yelper visiting the Louvre: "Each to their own I guess, but paintings and sculptures just hold little or no interest for me." Then why did you go to........oh, never mind. Same question for the brain trust who went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York and commented, “I refuse to pay any amount of money to see antiques collecting dust.” O-o-o-o-k-a-a-ayyyy!

Speaking of experts in antiquities, I really appreciate the opinion of the learned gentleman from Florida who went to see the Colosseum in Rome and came away with this brilliant observation: "Yes, it looks great at night but put some lights up on that abandoned GM Assembly Plant in Detroit and you'd have about the same thing without any long visitor lines.” He's obviously been to a few of Florida's main cultural icons.

While we're in Rome, there's this highly educated “review” of some minor artist named Michelangelo: “After seeing so many other free churches' beautiful ceilings, I was disappointed with the Sistine Chapel's ceiling.” Thanks for the tip, pal. I'll definitely avoid this blatant tourist trap.

You see where I'm going here? These people are amazing!

Boredom is everywhere for these jaded sophisticates. Especially drop-dead dull places like Yellowstone, as described by a Maryland Yelper: "I want to tell you that I am not some nature hating guy. I take my kids hiking. I rock climb. The problem with the place is that it is dull. [But] If you are in the area for some reason it is worth dropping by.” Three million visitors a year and this guy says “it is worth dropping by” if you happen to be in the area with nothing more exciting to do. He's right up there with the guy from Colorado who had a great suggestion for improving the “wow” factor at the Grand Canyon: “As amazing as the views are it is really kind of boring. Every 500 ft a new vantage point of the same thing: a really big hole in the ground...What would [be] nice is segway rentals.” Yeah, that would perk it up for me. People on segways trying to do Evel Knievel. The boredom these jaded reviewers feel even extends to war memorials. Witness this witless wonder from Philadelphia's opinion of the Vietnam War Memorial: “It's a wall with a bunch of names on it. I mean NO disrespect but spice it up a bit. It's kinda boring.” How can it be boring? There are segway tours around there, after all.

I feel like a proctologist. Assholes everywhere I look.

I guess I'm just being unfair because my standards aren't high enough. Obviously, aristocratic people from elite Alpharetta, Georgia who say the Eiffel Tower is "crowded, overrated, and ugly from up close” operate on a totally different plane from the rest of us lower beings. That would be the same plane upon which the San Francisco Yelper lives who offers this sage comment about another Frenchman's work, this one standing in New York Harbor: “As a proud American I wanted to love this, but was grossly underwhelmed... Old Lady Liberty is just that... old.”

And then we come to my favorite Yelpers; the restaurant “reviewers.” The ones who bring their elevated palates all the way from Arcadia, California to Copenhagen to dine at Noma. Of a place with two Michelin stars that has been ranked as the best restaurant in the world four times by Restaurant magazine, our California critic had this to say: “One of the courses literally made me gag but in NOMA, spitting into your napkin would be a like crime so I swallowed it like a bitter pill.” OMG! Somebody tell René Redzepi, International Chef of the Year in 2008 and one of TIME magazine's “100 Most Influential People in the World” in 2012. He'll be devastated.

There's the California girl who one-starred a restaurant after a five word “review:” “Could use some vegan options.” My GOD! How shortsighted! How dare this restaurant not anticipate her personal dietary preferences? I'll bet they didn't offer “gluten-free” options either, the swine. This place should be forced out of business and the owners covered in tofu and ridden out of town on a rail. It's obvious that one star was generous.

I'm inordinately fond of “reviews” like the one put up by somebody who looked at the menu posted in the establishment's window and opted not to eat there because “the food didn't look good.” Or the ones that trash an eatery because the “reviewer” didn't like the décor.

And I liked the one slamming a Kosher place in Boca Raton. The Yelper got all exercised over the fact that the “bacon” wasn't really bacon and the “American cheese” wasn't really cheese. They accused the owners of dishonesty and when the traditional Jewish nature of the place was explained to them, they huffed and puffed about going to a restaurant, not a synagogue and finished their one-star “review” with an asinine comment: “Since when is it a sin to go to a restaurant, be a Christian, and expect to get the food you ordered? I WILL NEVER RETURN. FOR GODSAKE PASS THIS ON TO THE FOLKS YOU CARE ABOUT!!!”

And then there was the brilliant Yelper who one-starred a Jewish restaurant for being closed on a Jewish holiday.

I've written my fair share of negativity regarding Olive Garden, but the “review” posted by a Yelper from Cerritos, California truly humbles my best effort: “A while back, our little family went with our $50 gift card to the Cerritos Olive Garden, had some piss-poor salad, some pasta that tasted like ass, some meat that tasted like ass, and some bread that was probably good when it was baked, but had gone tough in the last billion years and now tasted like ass. The service was actually really good, and I felt bad for the young man who had to carry that shit around and pretend it was anything but ass. 'Excuse me, sir, how was your serving of ass? Did you enjoy the ass tonight? Would you like me to box the leftover ass to take home?' Poor guy. Don't nobody give us another Olive Garden gift card. I'll fucking kill you.” Definitively proving that the only ass involved here was the one writing the “review.”

And Yelpers often write helpful “reviews” aimed at assisting the common folk who eat at fast-food places. Like this one for Wendy's: “This place is BAWLIN' yo. Chicken nuggitz be crispy like you never SEEN. I tasted one and I was like 'WHAAAAT! Are you serious Wendy?' Mean girls workin the friers, tho. This one chick wouldn't even let me holla. I was like 'please you ugly anyway.'” That just says it all, right?

Coffee shops get “reviewed,” too. “Hmm… Where to start. The joint’s cool until I got banned for making a pass at one of their barista. Apparently asking their co-worker if she (the intended) was gay, was a big no-no in their java world. Oh, and I asked their Asian-looking chick, if she was Asian. That too; was a violation. Yawn !!”

Yelp gets millions of such submissions a month. These educated, erudite, intellectual paragons of taste are the people to whom you are turning for guidance and advice. I can't wrap my head around it. It's like giving millions of children boxes of crayons and telling them to create fine art. A few might get close, but the vast majority will turn out stuff of a quality you won't even want to display on your refrigerator much less in a gallery or a museum. Substitute a computer keyboard for the crayons and you are essentially allowing the same group of people to dictate where you're going to go, where you're going to stay, what you're going to eat, and what you're going to see.

I recently stayed at a nice hotel where I enjoyed a long weekend. The only negative came from a couple of selfish idiots ensconced across the hall with their duo of yapping little mutts. The hotel staff was practically apoplectic with apology and did their very best to ameliorate the inconvenience, which only lasted until the selfish miscreants checked out after one night. The little critters were quiet during the overnight hours and the time I was subjected to their yodeling and yapping was brief because I didn't spend a lot of time in my room other than overnight. No harm, no foul. The management offered to relocate me to another room. They tendered generous discounts. They apologized incessantly and were extremely grateful that I had brought the matter to their attention. All because they feared I was going to be one of “those people” who would take to the Internet and trash the entire hotel because of an isolated act of ignorance on the part of a pair of fellow travelers. Hey. The management called their cellphone. They knocked on the door of the room. And when they finally caught up with the cretins, they told them to control their dogs. What else could they do? Call in the local animal shelter's SWAT team with tranquilizers and cages? So, no, I'm not going to go on Yelp and trash the hotel. There was nothing wrong with the hotel. Just with some of the idiots in one of the rooms. But unfortunately, Yelp brings out the worst in petty whiners and empowers them to express their footling concerns to the detriment of businesses already struggling in an uphill battle to please an increasingly demanding public. The results are often higher prices and scaled back services as owners and managers strive to provide the least risky options directed at the lowest common denominator. Thanks a lot, Yelp.

Bottom line, as everybody in the service industry will tell you, if you've got a problem with a hotel, a restaurant, or an attraction, bring it directly to the attention of management. Don't whine, don't whimper, don't cry. And, above all, don't Yelp.

Boston Restaurant Exposes Yelp Thugs

A Good Idea Gone Horribly Wrong

It's hard to type while applauding, but that's what I'm doing right now. I am wildly cheering for Boston restaurateur Michael Scelfo and his “Alden & Harlow” eatery. No, I don't know the guy and I've never eaten at his restaurant – although next time I'm in Boston, I will. Rather, I am applauding the act of his standing up to and publicly exposing a couple of Yelp thugs.

Yelp is a good idea gone horribly wrong. On the surface, the concept of a forum wherein the “common man” has a voice and can express his opinion is a noble one. Unfortunately, it does not take into account the preponderance of rude, ignorant, selfish, entitled idiots one finds buried beneath the veneer of altruism contained in Yelp's mission statement: "To connect people with great local businesses."

Yelp proudly proclaims that “Yelpers” have written more than seventy-one million local reviews. The basic problem with that statement hearkens back to the old adage that says “opinions are like a**holes; everybody has one.” And in the case of Yelp and its imitators, far too many of the users expressing their opinions are a**holes.

Case in point: a couple of young females – “ladies” probably stretches the definition – showed up at Alden & Harlow with no reservations. They proceeded to seat themselves, to berate and insult the staff, to loudly proclaim that they were not tipping because of the poor service, and then to refuse to leave when asked to do so. And, of course, they played the trump card – threatening to give the establishment a bad Yelp review.

You get the picture? These are jerks. They went into the place with the intention of causing trouble and then blackmailing their way out of it. And in most cases they would have been successful because many small, local restaurant owners are thoroughly cowed by the threat of a bad social media review. Word of mouth is the bread and butter of their advertising and people bad-mouthing them can put them out of business. And Yelp thugs have figured that out and know how to play it to their best advantage. I mean, come on! The difference between Yelp et.al. and protection rackets is minimal. What's the difference between a hulking goon in an ill-fitting suit holding a club and saying “pay up or I'll break your kneecaps” and a stylishly-dressed moron with a cellphone saying “give me what I want or I'll put you out of business”?

I've never thought much of social media review sites, but my contempt reached a tipping point a few years ago when I found this scathing review of a local Italian place posted on one of them: “This is absolutely the worst Italian food I have ever had in my life. It was nothing but over priced boxed mixes with some chewy, obviously frozen bagged seafood on top. It literally disgusted me. If you value your hard earned money and your stomach I would keep on driving right past this place.” In the first place, it's poorly written – “if you value.......I would keep on driving.” Really? In the second place, it's non-specific. What dish particularly “disgusted” you? Or did you have a general sampling of everything on the menu and found it all to be “the worst Italian food”? And did you actually see “boxed mixes” and “bagged seafood” being used? Or did it just taste like that to you? There's a difference.

I had eaten at the place myself and knew the opposite to be true. It was a small, family owned and operated business, started by mom and pop and now run by the kids, all of whom are right off the boat from Italy. I knew their food was fresh, delicious, and as authentic as American tastes would allow. I'd seen their kitchen and watched everything being prepared from scratch. There wasn't better Italian food to be had within a hundred miles. No, this was just a hack job written by somebody who wanted to hurt the business. I took it upon myself to go online and rebut this scurrilous billingsgate, pointing out the obvious lies and flaws therein and concluding with: This is absolutely some of the best Italian food I have ever had in my life. It is nothing but high-quality, fresh ingredients deliciously prepared in a wonderful Italian family tradition. It literally delights me. If you value your hard-earned money and your stomach, you'll drive directly to this place, and you'll do it often.

But I gotta admit, Michael Scelfo did me one better: he posted a picture of the thugs who tried to dun his establishment on Instagram, along with a description of their execrable behavior that included the hashtag “#wedontnegotiatewithyelpers.” I. Love. It!! “We don't negotiate with Yelpers” should be posted large on the front door of every restaurant in the country.

For some reason, Instagram removed the post, but BostonInno has the story and the picture here: http://bostinno.streetwise.co/2015/03/02/duo-attempting-yelp-blackmail-gets-an-earful-from-alden-harlow-chef-owner

Scelfo has since written that, regardless of the picture being taken down, “#wedontnegotiatewithyelpers stands true." And he says, "I would encourage more people to be responsible with [Yelp].” Can I get an “amen” from the choir, brothers and sisters?!

Scelfo and I aren't alone in the outrage department. Botto Bistro in Richmond, California got a lot of mileage out of offering discounts to patrons who would give them “bad” reviews in the hope that their “star” rating would sink low enough to remove them from Yelp's radar entirely.

Yelp and its ilk are a bad joke badly told. No matter how benign the intention, the system is intrinsically broken and it is being abused by thugs every day to the detriment of the “great local businesses” it was supposedly designed to help. And most people seem to know it. Here are a few random comments I pulled from the 'net: “Yelp is less than useless. They're shady and people abuse the hell out of how much power Yelp has over small businesses. Burger King doesn't give a s**t if a location has bad Yelp reviews, but it can kill a small family owned restaurant.” Or, “One of the things that makes Yelp so uneven is that it allows for anonymity of the reviewer. Unlike professional reviews (where the reviewer might be a secret, but still is accountable to a readership and probably a publisher) with Yelp there's no accountability at all. It's total crap.” And, “Anything that can make Yelp useless, I'm behind 100%.”

But let's face it, Yelp is a culturally entrenched behemoth and it's not going anywhere. Curmudgeons like me and a handful of rebels at places like Alden & Harlow and Botto Bistro can quixotically tilt at windmills all day long and it's not going to make a bit of difference other than, perhaps, making us feel a little better for having “done something.” So instead of saying, “don't use Yelp,” – because I know you're going to anyway, – let me echo Michael Scelfo and say, “please use Yelp – and other similar sites – responsibly.” As a consumer, develop a “BS meter” and learn how to figure out when the system is being gamed. There are a lot of tells you can spot in a fake review. I've written about them and there are a ton of articles on the subject available online. Don't be a part of destroying somebody's livelihood just because some moron with an ax to grind tells you to. And if you're one of the ax-grinding morons, shame on you. I hope your Mama's proud and that you can live with yourself, because it's likely that no one else wants to live with you.

Better yet, exercise some judgment and common sense. You want to know if a place is good? Ask a local. I do it all the time. Last time I was in Boston, I didn't “Yelp”. I was in a little North End bottega and asked the clerk, “where's a good place for lunch?” And her recommendation was wonderful. Or you can consult an expert. Read a newspaper or magazine review. Check out a copy of a guide like the one published by Zagat. The people who eat for a living are much more qualified to guide you to a good place than some idiot who trashes a restaurant because he didn't like the way the waiter smiled.

Just remember that adage about opinions and a**holes the next time you're tempted to rely on Yelp. And then think seriously about what you get out of an a**hole before you make a choice.

Botto Italian Bistro UPDATE

Waaaaahhhhh! Yelp Won't Publish My Review!

Well, you can't say I didn't try. In a previous post regarding the California Italian restaurant currently trying to stick it to Yelp, I said that I might submit a one-star review of the place myself. I did. Several times. And Yelp keeps removing it.

Here for your edification is the "review" I attempted to submit:

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As one who actually does make a small part of his living writing restaurant reviews, I decided to review Botto Italian Bistro. Unfortunately, I live on the East Coast and have never been to Richmond, CA, nor have I ever set foot in Botto Italian Bistro. That being said, I decided to go ahead and write the review anyway. This is, after all, a Yelp review and any semblance of literary or journalistic education or experience is totally unnecessary and any sort of culinary knowledge is completely superfluous. All that is required is a keyboard and an index finger. Having both, I press forward with my review.

In keeping with the usual tenor and tone of social media reviews, I submit the following:

Doods, ths palce rely sux.......i wudnt evr of ate hear if i'd have knowd how relly, rely, bad it sux. take my wurd for it, duds, this plase rilly sux.

There. I have fulfilled my obligation to the dining public.

It is my understanding, though, that the management at this establishment has offered a 25% discount for such comprehensive and high caliber reviews as the offering I have submitted. Since I fully intended to eat at Botto Bistro, but was unable to do so due to distance (I actually drove as far west as Chicago, but there the lure of the authentic fare at Olive Garden got the better of me and I am now so sated with salad and breadsticks as to be unable to continue my journey), I would like to submit that I would have gladly eaten at least $100 worth of food at Botto had I actually gotten to eat there. Therefore, I would request that the management remit a certified check to me in the amount of $25.

Grazie, Davide e Michele per il vostro servizio per l'industria.

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I'm given to understand that Yelp is removing fake reviews for Botto Bistro as fast as it can, but it is being inundated with them right now. Took them almost an hour to spot and remove mine. Further attempts to edit or resubmit it have been unsuccessful, so I guess they're on to me.

But do yourself a favor and go there (here) http://www.yelp.com/biz/botto-italian-bistro-richmond-3

and read some of the hilarious "reviews" that have stuck. And maybe write one yourself. Just don't make it as obviously fake as mine. Apparently the folks at Yelp aren't total idiots. Halfwits, maybe, but not total idiots.

California Italian Restaurant Takes On Yelp

Seeking One-Star Reviews for “The Worst Restaurant in the San Francisco Area”

Let's hear it for Botto Bistro! Co-owners Davide Cerretini and Michele Massimo are determined to have “the worst restaurant in the San Francisco area.” And I hope they succeed.

The two Tuscan chefs are taking on Yelp, the giant social media site that gives small-minded, palate-
challenged, functionally illiterate, vengeful, hateful trolls the opportunity to vent their puerile spleen on hardworking restaurateurs with the noble intent of destroying their livelihoods.

Can you tell I don't think much of Yelp?

The site loftily pretends to be a pure democracy in which everyone has an equal voice. But there is one big drawback to democracy; one which our Founding Fathers foresaw when they established the United States as a democratic republic rather than as a true democracy. The flies in Yelp's democratic ointment are the same ones envisioned by Thomas Jefferson: idiots.

In the same way that the republican form of government is one in which the power of the people is vested in specially delegated representatives, so also is the world of professional criticism. Professional critics are people with appropriate education, training, and talent to whom the responsibility is given to express an informed opinion based upon those factors. That opinion, then, provides a useful tool to guide the common person toward or away from a particular restaurant, play, movie or whatever entity or function is being reviewed.

Yelp and its ilk bypass these qualified representatives by placing the power directly in the hands of any boob with a keyboard and an index finger, resulting not in true democracy, but rather in the worst form of anarchy. And it is an anarchy that, by its unbridled pernicious nature, can destroy the lives and livelihoods of restaurant owners, managers, cooks, servers, and others associated with the business.

“But everybody's entitled to an opinion,” rage the outraged. Yes. And you know what they say about opinions and certain anatomical features.

I fought back against a social media “review” once. It involved a charming little locally owned Italian restaurant operated by a lovely Italian family. And some moron with an obvious ax to grind savaged the place on social media. Her so-called “review” read: This is the absolutely worst Italian food I have ever had in my life. It was nothing but over priced boxed mixes with some chewy, obviously frozen bagged seafood on top. It literally disgusted me. If you value your hard earned money and your stomach I would keep on driving right past this place.

Now, besides recognizing bad sentence structure when I see it, I also know a thing or two about Italian food. And I knew this woman was full of ….....misinformed ideas. So, after contacting the owners and setting up a tour of the kitchen, I wrote a rebuttal to her ignorant commentary. Everything on the menu was fresh and homemade. I watched it being prepared and even participated in preparing some of it. I had to explain to the perplexed owner what a “boxed mix” was. And, in a point of information for Miss Bitchy-Poo, most restaurants located hundreds of miles from the coast do rely on frozen seafood. It's the quality of the product and the way it's treated after it's thawed that makes the difference. And this little place did wonderful things with their great frozen seafood. The alleged “review” was nothing but a poorly crafted hatchet job designed to hurt the owners and their business. After taking it apart point by point, I summed up with: Spend your time and your money. This is absolutely some of the best Italian food I have ever had in my life. It is nothing but high-quality, fresh ingredients deliciously prepared in a wonderful Italian family tradition. It literally delights me. If you value your hard-earned money and your stomach, you'll drive directly to this place, and you'll do it often. So much for social media “reviews.”

Worse still than the inherent potential for abuse by the uneducated, ill-informed, or downright noxious is the frequently alleged practice on the part of Yelp itself of selling better “reviews” to advertisers. Indeed, the company's revenues edged into profitability for the first time in the second quarter of 2014 based largely on increased advertising by business owners. Many in the restaurant industry claim that their Yelp ratings go up concomitant with their paid advertising, a practice which, though recently deemed legal, Yelp vehemently denies.

Nonetheless, in order to test the system – and pretty much to game it – Botto Bistro is begging for bad reviews. One-star reviews. The hope is that they'll be deemed “bad” enough to completely disappear from Yelp's ratings radar. Then they can go back to doing what they do best; cooking Italian food. Cerretini says, “We have nothing to lose. Worst case, we go back to Italy and cook for mama.”

And people are getting into the game. One “reviewer” wrote, "My food arrived before I wanted it to come. It was too hot to eat. It brought back all kinds of terrible memories of eating in Italy." Another opined, “I have been here at least 20 times and it is still terrible."

Heck, I just might write a Yelp “review” of Botto Bistro myself. Never mind that I live on the other coast and have never been near the place. I have a keyboard and an index finger. Apparently that's all that's required to be a Yelper.

Botto Bistro is fighting fire with fire. The restaurant's own Yelp profile proclaims, “Bad Tuscan food, bad customer service and horrible attitude." And this reverse psychology strategy by Cerrentini and Massimo is brilliant. There is a peanut vendor in Columbia, SC that has long used the motto “Guaranteed Worst In Town.” The story goes that a farmer, one Julian D. Cromer, started selling fresh roasted peanuts out of his produce stand at the local Farmers Market. Although he roasted them fresh every morning, a competitor would yell out to his customers, "Don't buy those! Mine are the best! Cromer's are no good." Like the clever Italian chefs in San Francisco, Cromer agreed and posted his own slogan, "Guaranteed Worst in Town." Curious customers soon flocked to his stand to try "the worst" roasted peanuts in town, and they're still flocking to Cromer's nearly eighty years later. In fact, Cromer's has a four-and-a-half star rating on Yelp.

Cerrentini says he's getting a lot of support for his one-star campaign and I truly hope it's phenomenally successful. He's even offering discounts to patrons who participate in the “Hate Us On Yelp” gimmick. The results are creative and hilarious. Go read them for yourself. The challenge is in sorting out the fake “reviews” from the “real” ones. There's no difference. Comments like, “I have been a loyal customer here for decades, but... Last month I moved to Albuquerque. I just called in an order earlier last week and the f**king food just arrived 10 minutes ago! Seriously? Why the hell does it take days to ship an order from Richmond to ABQ.” They are absolutely priceless! The fakes are just as stupid, insipid, and banal as the real Yelp “reviews.”

“Real People, Real Reviews.” Don't buy it. There's nothing “real” about Yelp. And it's about time somebody pointed out the flaws in the emperor's wardrobe. I'm just glad it's a couple of Italian guys doing it.

The Sneakers Bistro Flap: Offended By Bacon? PLEASE!

More Ridiculous “Diversity” Dreck

What are they putting in the water in Winooski, Vermont? The home of Gretel Ann Fischer, the execrably unsportsmanlike “winner” of last year's “Next Great Baker” competition on TLC, has apparently produced yet another looney-tune.

Winooski has an “Operation Bloom” program. Local residents and businesses can “adopt” and maintain a flower bed located near a city street or road. Kind of like the “Adopt a Highway” campaign you see in a lot of communities. And, of course, the “adopter” gets to put up a sign on “their” flower bed advertising their contribution. Sounds harmless, right? Well, it would be if not for idiots.

A local restaurant, Sneakers Bistro and Cafe, an establishment that has received national recognition for its quality bacon, placed a sign in a flower bed located near a busy traffic circle. The sign, a common yellow diamond-shaped highway sign, read “Yield for Sneakers Bacon,” with the words “yield for” appearing above the “Sneakers” logo, and the word “bacon” underneath. Okay?

If I'm lyin' I'm dyin', somebody got their panties in a wad about that sign. Initial reports identified the complainer as a Muslim woman. Later reports said she was not only Muslim, but vegan as well. And she was “offended” by the content of the sign, saying it was “insensitive to those who do not consume pork.”

At this point, you're probably either outraged or laughing your ass off – or both. Keep laughing, 'cause it gets better. The restaurant actually took the sign down rather than “offend” the woman. In terms of a polite, civilized response to this ludicrous inanity, I am dumbstruck. And the kicker is I don't know at whom I am more outraged, the cretin who lodged the complaint or the morons who acted on it.

Let's address the first subject. As William Shatner once famously said, GET A LIFE!!! What the **ck is wrong with this woman? “Insensitive to those who do not consume pork?” What's next? Boycotting the grocery store for advertising a sale on pork chops? Picketing the local barbecue joint? Come on! I know a few Muslims and a scad of Jews and none of them care a single miniscule fig about being around bacon as long as nobody asks them to eat it. I'm not much for schwarma or gefilte fish, but I don't go out and get all puckered about places that serve it. “None for me, thank you.” That's how real people live their lives.

The latest reports are saying that the perpetrator of the insanity did not object so much on religious grounds as on philosophical ones. She was apparently more offended as a vegan. I don't have a problem with vegetarians or vegans. I even agree with some of their stances on the inhumane treatment of commercially raised food animals. But why are her vegan sensibilities only offended by a place that advertises bacon? Shouldn't she be demanding that Ronald McDonald shinny up the pole and remove the word “hamburgers” from the McDonald's sign? Surely that's insensitive to those who do not consume beef. And those “cowz” that Chick fil A employs to exhort people to “eat mor chikin” ought to send her right into apoplexy.

Idiota.

But what about the doofus owner who actually caved in to her fanatical demand? Well, the restaurant is getting pasted for it. And rightly so.

The denizens of Winooski dropped Gretel Ann and her “Cupps Cafe and Bakery” like a hot rock after her nationally embarrassing debacle unfolded on TV. I've got a feeling that “Sneakers” may be next. Virtually none of the commentary on the issue has been supportive of owner Marc Dysinger's decision to kow tow to the whim of one, single, solitary, sole protester. This wasn't a movement. There were no pickets or petitions. This was one petty little piss ant with a small mind and a big mouth.

Oh, sure, the restaurant tried to spin it. “We are here to serve people BREAKFAST, not politics. We removed the sign that was located on public property as a gesture of respect for our diverse community. There were also concerns raised about safety. Removing it was not a difficult decision. We still love bacon. We still love eggs. Please have the political conversation elsewhere.”

Uh-huh. I swear if I hear that mewling “diverse community” dreck bleated by one more PC sheep I'm gonna toss my cookies. Oh wait......better not......they're not gluten-free cookies.......I may offend someone. But I guess Dysinger is just parroting the party line put forth by the City Manager, Katherine “Deac” Decarreau, who babbled a lot of PC-speak like, “The cool part of living in a diverse community is that it’s not always comfortable. It’s a fascinating place with lots of opportunities for conversation. The city has to pay attention to a lot of factors while acting within what we can regulate.” And, "We welcome a rich and respectful dialogue among the people that live, work and dine here. We believe that diversity and dialogue is a critical part of what makes us a truly desirable place to be."

All of which is a circumlocutious way of saying absolutely nothing.

But Yelpers, Facebookers, Tweeters, and others are having a lot to say. Things like, "Thanks for supporting and giving into the Muslims! I'll never eat at your restaurant!" Things like, “You are idiots. Plain and simple. Just don't advertise at ALL then, because everything could be offensive to someone.” Things like, “You caved, plain and simple. Over BACON. UNREAL Hope you don't have #Redskin potatoes on your menu.” Or, on a more philosophical note, “Evil first gets a foothold by censoring speech. how sad that u accommodated it.”

There's even a Facebook page dedicated to telling Sneakers' management how you feel about the whole thing. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Tell-Sneakers-Bistro-How-You-Really-Feel/696982823710836

Decarreau said, "It's blown up beyond all imagination." I don't know, “Deac.” Some people have pretty vivid imaginations. Witness the commenter who, with tongue firmly in cheek, suggested that Kevin Bacon may need to change his name.

My mother was born in Vermont, so I particularly like this one: “We Vermonters are told to be tolerant of everyone else's culture, yet we are not allowed to perpetuate our own culture, which, by the way, includes bacon. McKenzie Brothers, Harrington's, VT Smoke & Cure, Dakin Farm, & David Zuckerman's Full Moon Farm are all fine businesses that sell bacon. Outsiders who come to a new geographical area to live should respect local customs, not demand we change them to please themselves. As for me, you will have to pry my bacon from my cold dead hands!”

I know Vermonters and I know there are two things they won't tolerate; dishonesty and foolishness. Gretel Ann found out about the dishonesty. Does Sneakers want to become an object lesson for foolishness?

C'mon, Sneakers, grow a pair. Put your sign back up while you still have a business to advertise.  

Yelpers, Urbanspooners, and Trip Advisors Beware!

A couple of news stories connected with one of my favorite soapbox platforms recently caught my eye.

As anybody who reads my scribblings knows, I am not a big fan of social media, particularly when it comes to the so-called “review” sites. These sites are little more than outlets created for people to vent their two cents' worth. Unfortunately, such opinions are frequently worth considerably less than the advertised price. Not that I have anything against expressing one's opinion. As I often and unambiguously state, everyone is entitled to my opinion. And if you have an opinion to offer that is intelligent, well-constructed, based in fact, and anchored in experience and/or expertise, have at it.

All too often, though, the pronouncements rendered on social “review” sites aren't reviews at all. They are petty gripes and complaints expressed as mere billingsgate by individuals secure in their closets of anonymity and cloaked in what they perceive to be their First Amendment right to “free speech.”

Without miring down in constitutional law and Supreme Court decisions involving Holmes-ian (Oliver Wendell, not Sherlock) quotations regarding the shouting of “fire” in crowded theaters, some of these alleged “reviewers” are discovering that sometimes “free speech” comes at a cost.

Take, for example, the recent brouhaha involving Chef Marc Orfaly of Boston's upscale eatery, Pigalle. In case you aren't up on the details, the chef very publicly lambasted a “review” of his establishment posted on Facebook by a woman named “Sandy.” Using the same medium, Orfaly lashed out at “Sandy,” calling her a bitch and telling her to vai cazzo herself. (He said it in English, but everything sounds so much nicer in Italian, you know.)

“Sandy” was, shall we say, somewhat disappointed by her meal. And she expressed her disappointment by saying endearing things online. Things like, “"Really horrible pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving!! Wow. I don't have a clue as to why you would think that throwing pumpkin chunks into a cold pre baked pie shell and then covering it with a cream sauce that literally tasted like vomit { I am very serious!} and topping it off with whipped cream that was runny would in any way be something that can be called pumpkin pie?"

To which Orfaly responded, “you must enjoy vomit you bitch if you know how much it tastes like.” And it got worse. There was a lot more. She jumped back into the fray. He responded in kind.

Children, children! Please!

Orfaly has since apologized, as well he should. He was way out of line in the things that he said. But was he out of line for saying them? I don't think so.

The chef considered that he was defending his trade. “I feel like restaurateurs have to stick up for themselves in one way or another.” He says even though he knows he could have handled the situation better, he has still gotten support from fellow chefs.

I say again, he was one hundred percent wrong in launching a profanity-laced tirade against another human being. That is never defensible, no matter what you think you are defending. But he was one hundred percent right in his reasoning.

The restaurant business is incredibly tough. Oh, the diner who walks in the door, sits down at a table, has a meal, pays the check, and walks back out thinks that running a restaurant is just like cooking at home only on a bigger scale. And that's unimaginably incorrect. One out of every three new restaurants fails within its first year. Even successful chefs – the ones you see on TV – have failures. And it doesn't help to have idiots with inflated senses of self-importance sitting down at keyboards talking trash about things of which they know little.

“But I know what I like!” Okay! Fine! But what you like and what I like may be two different things. If the only spaghetti you've ever had came out of a can with Chef Boyardee's picture on it and that's what you “like,” then you're probably going to hate the kind of stuff they serve at an authentic Italian restaurant. So does that give you the right to go online and tell the whole world that a place has “terrible” food simply because you didn't like it? Do you have the right to ruin a person's business and take away the livelihoods of that person's employees because you think you're God's arbiter of culinary excellence? And do you really think your sophisticated palate and your rapier wit are exemplified by enlightened comments such as “literally tasted like vomit?” Please.

Before you consign Chef Orfaly to the kitchens of hell, imagine, if you would, that you hosted a big dinner party. Everybody ate, drank, and made merry. And then some jerk went home and wrote for all the world to see that your food tasted like vomit. How would you feel? How would you respond?

These are not trained and experienced gourmands. These are the people next door; the ones who grew up eating canned, packaged, and frozen processed food products from a microwave. And don't be surprised to see more responses from guys like Orfaly who are defending their reputations and fighting for their businesses. In this vaunted “Information Age,” why should the discourse be one-sided?

A little advice, though, for would-be Orfalys: before you send your inner Anthony Bourdain out into the blogosphere, remember what your mama probably told you, “If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.” Ignorant people are what they are, and rudely pointing out their shortcomings only reflects badly on you. Maybe this aphorism, attributed to a variety of sources, but nonetheless true, applies, “Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”

In another instance of an online “review” gone wrong, the response took the form not of a Facebook diatribe, but of a three-quarters of a million-dollar lawsuit.

A homeowner in Fairfax, Virginia was a little peeved with the service she received from a local contractor. True to the current social model of posting one's every move, emotion, thought, and experience online for all the world to share, she went to yelping on Yelp. Here she accused the contractor of shoddy workmanship and made veiled allegations of theft. She gave the guy one star and advised her readers not to put themselves through “this nightmare of a contractor.”

Imagine her surprise when her “nightmare” entered her waking world bearing a $750,000 defamation suit. According to a Washington Post report, lawyers are labeling such reactions as “a growing trend” in the “freewheeling and acerbic world of Web speech” where such speech is “colliding with the ever-growing importance of online reputations for businesses, doctors, restaurants, even teachers.”

The author of the “review” said she didn't want to see what happened to her happen to anyone else. Well, applause and shouts of “brava!” for her selfless altruism. Or was it, to use a phrase employed by the writer of the Post article, her attempt at “the go-to form of retail vengeance in the Internet age?”

Back in the good old days, if someplace pissed you off, you told your family and friends about it, right? And they probably told a few of their acquaintances and pretty soon you had a couple dozen folks all vowing to never patronize a certain business. At least until cooler heads prevailed and a little time passed and the whole incident blew over.

But in the brave new world of the Information Age, Mr. and Mrs. Average Citizen, through the anarchic instrument of the Internet, now possess the means to utterly destroy the lives of the people by whom they are offended. No more spoken complaints in the ears of a close few. Now, with a collection of keystrokes, an indelible record can be created and shared with the the population of an entire neighborhood, city, county, state, country or planet! You can get yours, alright! You can teach that sucker to piss YOU off! Never mind his wife and kids and the families of his employees. You got him and you got him good!

Pathetic. And frankly, I extol the business people who send their lawyers in to be their paladins in the face of wildly unexpurgated drivel. More power to 'em. Nothing like a good tort to deflate the overblown opinion some people have of themselves and of their importance.

But on a smaller, more personal scale, here's what I do; fight fire with fire and rebut. When I see a horrible and obviously biased “review” of a business I know to be good, I get online and write a detailed rebuttal. So should you. Do it right and stick to the facts. Nobody's going to sue you for saying something nice and only in this way will intelligent readers be able to make informed decisions. When a place gets a hundred positive comments and one negative, most people can read between the lines.

For better or worse, Facebook and Yelp and Urbanspoon and the rest are here to stay. As a consumer, just consider the source when you refer to these places for “reviews” and recommendations. And if you're an aspiring “reviewer,” choose your words carefully lest you be required to eat them.

Social Media Reviews: A Comment on a Comment

I was alerted this morning to a comment posted on one of the content sites for which I occasionally write. It was a comment on my post about Urbanspoon and other social media review sites; a post that originated on this blog and can still be found here.

The comment – from “Sinduja,” a female, judging by the icon – went like this:

“Dear Ron,

Are you in any way, associated with the Italian restaurant? Even otherwise, I am sorry but this write-up has been very disappointing, not that I believe you would care since you do not seem to hold much respect for others anyway. And yes, this comment might be strewn with grammatical errors but I do not think it is much of a factor to criticize someone about, like you have done.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion Ron. Even the 'dumbest', 'worst palate gifted' folks. And if I did not like the food in a restaurant, I did not like it. Period. Of course, I 'ought' to check if my disliking the food was more because of personal taste preferences or the quality of the chef but consumer behavior is not all about 'ought to'. Everyone has a right to voice their views and like you said, the best judgment always somehow comes out fine - a few wrong ones are outnumbered by the apt reviews.

In fact, your article seems more like a paid promotion to me.”

Because of my noted lack of respect for others, I seldom comment on comments like this, but this one was too good to pass up. I wrote back:

“Il mio tesoro, Sinduja.

At the time I wrote the article, I had no connection whatsoever with the restaurant. I have since established a relationship with the owner, but only because he was grateful for my having taken on somebody who was obviously out to damage his small, family-owned and operated business with an ignorant, baseless "review."

You are right, of course, that everybody is entitled to an opinion, but I stand by my statement that if one is to promote that opinion on a worldwide forum, it had best be an informed opinion. Anyone who states as fact that "the food was nothing but overpriced box mixes" without knowing that for a certainty is doing an egregious disservice not only to the restaurant, but to the integrity of the website upon which they are venting their uninformed spleen. "The food TASTED like overpriced box mixes" is a statement of opinion. "The food WAS nothing but overpriced box mixes" is a statement of fact -- one proven not to be true in this instance.

Take, for further example, your statement, "In fact, your article seems like a paid promtion to me." That is an excellent statement of opinion. It's wrong as hell, of course, but it's an appropriate statement of an opinion. Your use of the words "seems" and "to me" render this a reflection of your opinion. Again, you're completely incorrect. Nobody paid me a dime; I just wanted to stand up for a little guy who had been wronged. Why? Probably something to do with my lack of respect for others. But if you had chosen to state that my article WAS a paid promotion, our conversation -- which would include legal representation -- would have a very different tone.

Just my opinion, to which I -- and you -- are entitled.”

Actually, now that I look at it, I am the one with grammatical errors.

But anyway, the point stands; a professional – or at least an experienced – reviewer knows how to express the difference between opinion and fact, between a blanket statement and a specific point. “The food here sucks” is a blanket statement – unless you have, indeed, tried a sampling of all the food. “I tried the Parmesan Chicken and thought it sucked” is an appropriate statement. Not one I'd ever use, of course, but still an appropriate statement of one's opinion of a specific dish. It is simply irresponsible to state that everything on the menu “sucks” – I really despise that term – because you didn't like one dish.

Notice in my reviews that I never dine alone. My wife is always with me and we are frequently accompanied by at least one or two friends. We all order something different, thereby enabling us to come to a consensus opinion of the overall food quality. That means I can write – say it with me now, boys and girls – an informed opinion. And even though “Sanduja” says “consumer behavior is not all about 'ought to',” a reviewer's behavior “ought to” be based on fact rather than on supposition. When I dine out with the intention of writing a review, I question the waiter about the dishes I am eating. I sometimes ask to see the chef for specific details. I ask about quality, freshness, ingredients, techniques. Why? So I can write – what was that term again? – an informed opinion.

It is Sanduja's indubitable right to like what she likes and to dislike what she dislikes. And it is her right to share those likes and dislikes with like-minded (pardon the pun) people. But does she have the right to make irresponsible blanket statements that could be damaging to a family's business just because she didn't like a particular dish? I don't think so.

The old country saying, “If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all” is one to which I ascribe. I always try to make my reviews positive. I don't go out of my way to say nasty things about somebody's livelihood. Not that I can't write an unfavorable review. On rare occasion I have done so. I just don't like to. I would rather tell people about good places and pleasant experiences. Bad places and negative experiences are plentiful enough without my having to point them out.

I guess this proclivity toward positivity really makes me a poor critic, but that's just the way I am. That, of course, is because, as Sanduja says, I don't care or seem to have respect for others. “Seem.” At least she qualified it as an opinion rather than a statement of fact.

Australian Chef Sticks It To Urbanspoon "Reviewer"

I have written before of my mistrust of and general disdain for online restaurant “review” sites. This July 31, 2012 gleaning from John Lethlean of The Australian points up yet another example of why I feel this way:

“Dissatisfaction with customer reviews posted on Urbanspoon is rife among Australian hospitality people, but one Brisbane operator has found, as he puts it, 'two can play that game'.

Luke Stringer, of Hamptons Home Living, was incensed by the review posted by a customer on Urbanspoon after a discussion between the pair had failed to satisfy either party, and Stringer had decided not to charge for the meal. Stringer is a past winner of service awards in elite Melbourne restaurants and well known to First Bite as a measured, professional operator; but he felt under the circumstances the review expressed 'unwarranted remarks'. So he sleuthed the customer's name and place of work and, at the company's Google Place Page, having signed in (to Google), left a review of his own.

'I have not used (company XXXX) but a member of their staff, XXX XXX, dined at our establishment yesterday. After complaining about a meal he had consumed in its entirety, he continued to show his general lack of manners even after not being charged for his meal. He then went on to post a nasty review on Urbanspoon. If that is how this person behaves in public, I can't imagine what he is like as a professional.' Stringer rang the customer to inform him of his own review. Result: down came the Urbanspoon posting, fast. The Empire strikes back.”

Running a restaurant in not an easy way to make a living. It's so much more than just setting out a few tables, printing up a menu, and firing up the stove. Besides being a cook you've got to be an accountant, a business manager, a personnel manager, a marketing wizard, a financial planner, a maintenance engineer, a design expert, and sometimes a bit of a magician. You've got to keep up with ever-changing tastes and trends. And you're responsible for the livelihoods of your entire staff.

And then along comes some idiot with access to a computer. Maybe he's having a bad day at work. Maybe she's just had a fight with her boyfriend. Maybe the kids are driving them nuts, or the in-laws are visiting. Maybe she's a drama queen who loves to stir things up. Maybe he considers himself to be the ultimate connoisseur or gourmand even though IHOP is the closest he's ever come to fine dining.

Or it could be more nefarious. There are increasing incidents of unscrupulous people trying to blackmail restaurant owners by threatening bad “reviews” on social media if the owner doesn't pony up a free meal or some other form of pay off.

Whatever reason the “reviewer” might have, a negative, nasty, scathing comment hits the Internet for the whole world to see. And because these sites proclaim themselves to be the voices of “the people,” undiscerning readers, often incapable of critical thought, take them at face value. As a result, a business that may already be on the edge fails. The owner's money is lost and the employees are out of work. All because some jerk didn't think the waitress filled his water glass quickly enough.

So kudos to Luke Stringer. The restaurant world needs more like him. And don't wait for an owner to stand up and defend himself. If you see some Yelper or Urbanspooner trashing your favorite place, fight back. I've done it.

A woman with an ugly motive posted some trash on one of the “review” sites about a little family-run Italian place I happen to like. She joined the site the same day she posted the so-called “review,” having written nothing before and nothing since. This leads me to believe she had a malicious ax to grind. She made no specific allegations, she just said unequivocally that the food was “overpriced box mixes” and enjoined potential patrons to not waste their money. Having been in this restaurant's kitchen and having personal knowledge that the only boxes in there were the ones containing fresh food, I called this pazza idiota out on the very same site. And I wish more people would do the same. It might help keep these sites a little more honest.

So if you see something on one of these supposedly egalitarian sites that you know to be untrue or suspect to be less than altruistically motivated, speak up about it. Write a review of the “review.” And bring it to the attention of the owner or manager. If there's anything to it, they can address it. If not, many of the “review” sites offer options for rebuttal by ownership or management.

With the Internet and social media in increasing control of our daily lives – and with apologies to Zack de la Rocha and his bandmates – sometimes you've just got to rage against the machine.

The Trouble With Urbanspoon and Other "Review" Sites

I say it right up front on my blog's homepage: “I'm entitled to my opinion – and so are you.”

That's supposed to be funny, but sometimes it's not. Such is the case when someone's opinion is so patently uninformed and deliberately malicious as to be hurtful or detrimental to others. And that's what happens all too frequently on social networking “review” sites like Urbanspoon, Yelp, TripAdvisor, and the like.

Everybody has a right to their opinion. That goes without saying. What needs to be said, however, is whether or not the right exists to disseminate uneducated, fatuous, baseless opinions in a widely-read public forum upon which other people depend to determine a course of action.

The difference between a “professional” critic and a “citizen” critic is largely a matter of experience and education. Most people who write critques for a living have some modicum of training that enables them to do so. Not just training as wordsmiths, but trained eyes, or trained palates or some other skill or quality that sets them apart from the “average” viewer, diner, etc. who simply knows what he or she likes and doesn't like. Not that all pros are always right and all amateurs are always wrong, but in the final analysis, who are you going to trust to remove your appendix – a doctor or your neighbor's brother-in-law who is employed as a hospital janitor? Both work in the medical field, after all.

There are a lot of "Average Joes" that log on to these sites and make an honest attempt at rendering an objective opinion. But there are just as many disingenuous morons seeking their fifteen seconds of fame by having their names in print on something.

Let me illustrate my point with a specific instance. I don't often do this. In fact, I don't think I've ever directly addressed a specific single review on an Internet site. But this one is egregious enough that I have to say something about it.

There is a little Italian restaurant in a place called King, a tiny North Carolina town on the edge of the Triad communities of Winston-Salem, Greensboro, and High Point. Appropriately, it's named “Little Italy.” Appropriate because A.) it's a fairly small establishment, and B.) it's run by an Italian family. Not an Italian-American family that's been in the United States for three or four generations. No. These folks are fresh from Monte di Procida, a little town near Naples. They have names like Giuseppe, Salvatore, Mimmo, and Luigi. They actually own four properties in the area; in King, Burlington, Welcome, and Rural Hall, with Rural Hall being the original location, established in 1999. And they've all been in the restaurant business for a long time before that, having opened other Italian eateries before starting the “Little Italy” brand. So is it safe to say they know something about Italian food? I would think so.

Now along comes an Urbanspoon contributor, who, under the headline “Do not waste your time or money” writes: “This is absolutely the worst Italian food I have ever had in my life. It was nothing but over priced boxed mixes with some chewy, obviously frozen bagged seafood on top. It literally disgusted me. If you value your hard earned money and your stomach I would keep on driving right past this place.”

It is my educated and informed opinion that this individual is a palate-numbed idiot. I won't bother addressing her writing style except to say that one shouldn't mix pronouns in the same sentence – “If you value …..I would keep on driving....” That aside, may I ask of this “critic” have you ever eaten Italian food that didn't come from a boxed mix? Or a can with Chef Boyardee's picture on it? Is Olive Garden your idea of high Italian cusine? Or are you, perhaps, a disgruntled former employee or a friend or employee of a competitor? That, unfortunately, is all too common on these sites. There must be something behind this alleged “review,” because on its face it is scurillous drivel.

I came across this doggerel while researching the King location of “Little Italy.” Having previously reviewed – and enjoyed – another of the Looz family's restaurants, I wanted to sample the wares at a different location. While I don't generally make my decisions based upon input from social networking sites, I do occasionally consult them. If I find a preponderance of negativity, I may take it into account. If everybody cites bad service, or everybody lambasts a particular dish, or everybody says a place is dirty, I may give the aggregate opinions some weight.

But in this case, no. This was one of two published “reviews.” The other “review” was wildly positive. And according to Urbanspoon's stats, eighty-seven percent of sixty-six people “liked” the place. So about fifty-seven out of sixty-six people were not “literally disgusted” by Little Italy's food. Pretty good numbers. And, by the way, even though I didn't “vote,” I definitely “like” the place.

I don't have pretensions of chefdom, but I do have a studied background on the subject of Italian food and I have cooked Italian food both professionally and as a home cook for many years. I do know Italian food and that's how I know this “reviewer” is pazza. Anybody with two active taste buds should be able to tell that Little Italy's food is the real deal. But before I published a rebuttal, I wanted to make absolutely sure that there was no credence or credibility to these dubious claims. I didn't want to rely solely on my palate, so I contacted the owner of Little Italy in King and asked to observe his kitchen. After I read the “review” to him and explained what a boxed mix was – he didn't understand the reference – he agreed to let me watch his food prep.

Early next morning, I walked through the back door with all the employees and watched as preparations for the day's service began. All was exactly as my palate had already determined. There were no boxes in this kitchen. Everything was as good Italian food should be; high-quality fresh ingredients simply and traditionally prepared from old-world family recipes. Do they use canned tomatoes in their sauces? Of course they do! Everybody uses canned tomatoes in sauces. Mario Batali uses canned tomatoes in his sauces. But I saw the cans, people. San Marzano tomatoes imported from Italy. No low-quality cheap food-service brands. And I watched the man chop the onions and the garlic and I watched the man add the tomatoes to the freshly chopped aromatics and I watched the man add the other herbs and seasonings to the sauce. Boxed mixes indeed!

I went through the walk-in, lady. I saw shelves stocked with quality fresh ingredients. The only boxes in there were the ones that contained the fresh produce.

I watched fifty pounds of flour being dumped into the Hobart along with yeast, sugar, salt, water and a little oil to form fresh pizza dough. In fact, I even made a few dough balls myself. Boxed mixes!

I saw loaves of freshly baked bread being sliced to fill baskets and for bruschetta for which I also watched an employee chopping fresh tomatoes.

And, yes, I saw frozen shrimp and scallops. I've eaten in coastal restaurants in the Carolinas. One place was right on the docks and I saw the day's catch being carried right into the kitchen. The only body of water near King is the Ararat River, not noted for its fine shrimp. So of course the shrimp were frozen. Find me an average inland restaurant where they're not. But these are high-quality fresh-frozen shrimp, cleaned, deveined, and cooked to order on the premises. And the scallops were on a par with any I've purchased at the “fresh” seafood counter of my local market. I was taken into the office and shown the invoice. I know where the guy's getting his seafood and how much he's paying for it. Frozen bagged seafood? Palate-numbed idiot.

They offered to let me watch them make salad dressing from scratch, but I'd seen enough. I promised I'd return for dinner, and I did. And, yes, I paid for it. Nobody gave me anything for writing this piece.

I'm writing it solely because somebody sorely wronged this fine little restaurant with an undeserved rant that had no basis in fact. I can't even call it an opinion. Opinion usually requires thought and this blatant attempt to damage somebody's business was completely thoughtless.

My wife, our friends, and I have sampled a variety of dishes, from rib-eye to pizza, and we have found nothing but excellent food, exceptionally well prepared and served by an extremely friendly, personable waitstaff in a refreshingly clean and enjoyable atmosphere.

So here's my rebuttal: Spend your time. Spend your money. This is absolutely some of the best Italian food I have ever had in my life. It is nothing but high-quality, fresh ingredients deliciously prepared in a wonderful Italian family tradition. It literally delights me. If you value your hard-earned money and your stomach, you'll drive directly to this place, and you'll do it often.

The Little Italy in King is located at 612 S. Main Street. They're open daily for lunch and dinner. Call 'em at (336) 985-5428. There's adequate parking, dress is casual, and reservations are not required.

I'm not saying that Urbanspoon and other social networking sites don't serve a purpose. But it is imperative when using them as a resource to do so with a large grain of salt. Read between the lines, look for patterns, examine motives, and try whenever possible to compare “average Joe” commentaries with those of more seasoned and established reviewers. You really don't want to chance missing out on wonderful little places like Little Italy just because somebody with an axe to grind didn't “like” it.

Critiquing Online Food Critics

Once upon a time, food critics were a breed apart. They were employed by print and broadcast media for their ability to express their opinions in a manner that was informative and at least somewhat entertaining. Revered and reviled, feared and fawned over, loved and hated; such was the life of the professional food critic.

Then came the Internet. Suddenly, anybody could be a food critic! All it takes is a mouth and an opinion. How bohemian! How democratic! How frightening!

Of critics in general, it was once said, “If you can do – do; if you can't – criticize.” More appropriate of the modern online critic is the axiom, “Opinions are like belly buttons; everybody's got one.” (Instead of "belly button," you may substitute an orifice located posteriorly and a little lower, if you prefer.) And therein lies the problem.

In the “old days,” critics of any stripe – food, wine, movies, books, television – offered educated opinions based upon knowledge and experience. Although some of them fit into the “can't do” category, many were very qualified to comment on the subjects upon which their opinions were based.

No more. “Joe Average” is the new critic of the information age. Armed with an opinion and an Internet connection, he “tells it like it is” to anyone who takes the time to click on his link. Whereas the professional critic is usually erudite and possessed of a writer's command of grammar, spelling, and punctuation, “Joe” is frequently incapable of expressing himself in words of more than one syllable and usually cannot string more than three of them together in a cohesive sentence. He often writes in “text speak,” the moronic mode of abbreviated communication commonly employed by those who simply can't be bothered by capitals, periods, commas or properly spelled complete words.

His valuable contribution to society goes something like this: “this place sux.” The more cosmopolitan “Joe” may actually include a reason: “ I didnt lik the food an the dood who wated on me wuz rely rood.”

Jeffrey Steingarten and Frank Bruni are turning in their graves – and they're not even dead yet.

Now, I'm not saying that these people don't have a place and a purpose. But let's take a look at what that place and purpose might be.

There are new sites popping up everywhere that cater to self-proclaimed critics and encourage submissions and reviews from the general public. Yahoo!, Menuism, and TripAdvisor are a few that come immediately to mind. They all serve a noble purpose: guiding your decision regarding where you should spend your valuable time and hard-earned money. But how do they fare at serving that purpose?

Online reviewers can provide a useful service. The pros – like Jeffrey and Frank – can't be everywhere and even local newspaper critics have to pick and choose from among hundreds of choices. So everyday people directing eyes, ears, and – most importantly – palates toward everyday places can prove valuable. But “caveat lector” (let the reader beware.) Apart from the functionally illiterate, there are two other types of online “critics” of which to beware: the “phony reviewer” and the “ax grinder.”

Phony reviews are often posted by unscrupulous owners and/or their agents in an attempt to gin up business for a new or failing establishment. “Phony reviewers” are usually friends, relatives, or employees who may have been promised rewards of some sort in return for boosting a business online. PR firms are notorious for this trick, too. On a recently aired episode of “Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares,” Gordon Ramsay “googled” the place he was attempting to assist and found a number of inappropriately glowing reviews for an obviously inferior restaurant. It didn't take him long to persuade the struggling owner to admit to authorship of at least one of the “reviews.”

An “ax grinder” is an individual who has a personal grudge against a place and spares no effort to make it look bad, no matter how many outright lies he has to publish. “Ax grinders” can often be disgruntled customers, former employees, business competitors, or even ex-spouses. The beauty of being an “ax grinder” is the fact that you can hide behind your anonymity and never be held accountable for your libelous comments.

How do you spot a fake review? Well, there is no hard and fast method, but there are a few things to watch for.

Fake critics all have the same goal; to make a restaurant look as good or as bad as possible. In so doing, they usually sacrifice content for hyperbole, ranting or raving in very generic terms without ever citing specifics of why a place is heavenly or hellish. Generic reviews that are based on extreme opinions without benefit of substance or fact are often fake.

Conversely, phonies frequently go over the top in their efforts to pull you in or drive you away. Shills will paint such a brilliantly glowing word picture that you'll need sunglasses in order to read it. Ax grinders will slam not only the food, but the service, the décor, the architecture, the music, the cutlery, the tableware, the chef's attire, and the owner's mother. Question extreme reviews.

I like to write positive reviews. Some people may think I'm a shill because I hardly ever rip a place apart for anything. That's probably genetic. I've had exposure to restaurants on both sides of the family for a couple of generations. My son is a waiter, my sister, several aunts and a wife were waitresses, my grandparents and various aunts and uncles were cooks, and long before I became involved in cooking or catering, I was a dishwasher. So maybe I see things a little differently, I don't know. I didn't even savage the careless waiter at an upscale place in Florida who once dripped olive oil all over the front of my khaki pants. I guess the manager's profuse apologies and offers to pay for cleaning were sufficient. That and watching the klutz get verbally flogged in Italian. I didn't need to write about it. An “ax grinder” would have made the incident the focal point of his review.

Oftentimes, fake critics will post several reviews at the same time. If you see four or five reviews all bearing the same date stamp, they may have all been written by the same person.

Watch for similarities in phrasing. If several consecutive reviews all seem to focus on the same kudos or complaints, they could be fake.

However, as already stated, if a review doesn't offer any specific point of praise or condemnation, it, too, could be bogus. Real critics are usually very specific in their likes and dislikes.

If you spot an absolutely scathing review posted among numerous positive ones, you've probably found an “ax grinder.” At the same time, an uncharacteristically sunny review amidst a sea of dismally cloudy ones is probably fake, written by somebody who wants to divert the focus.

Watch the time frame on online reviews. I see reviews all the time that were posted four and five years ago. A lot can change in four or five years. I once saw online reviews for a little place in Atlanta about which I was curious. Those that were around four years old were universally effusive in their praise. But then I noticed the reviews from the last six months to a year were dreadful. Seems the place had changed location and had spiraled downward rather rapidly. But I wanted to see for myself. Turned out to be a mixed experience. A lot of what the downers said was correct, but much of the praise in the older reviews was still justified.

I was hunting an eatery in Orlando and found one with an impressive website. I was on the verge of making a reservation when I decided to look a little deeper. I found one hundred-six reviews posted on one site. After the first forty were all derogatory and all derogatory for the same reasons, I opted to look elsewhere. The place I ultimately chose had a huge number of complimentary reviews and they all turned out to be deserved. So in the final analysis, I guess majority often rules. If you find an equal ratio of good to bad reviews, you pays your money and you takes your chances. But if literally everybody says someplace is bad or good, you can make some pretty safe bets.

Watch for clues that tell you something about the writer. On most sites dedicated to this kind of activity there is an option that allows you to read the reviewer's previous posts. If there aren't any, you don't necessarily have to bring out the red flags. After all, everybody's got to start somewhere. But at the same time, take the criticism for what it's worth. The more reviews the poster has posted, the more credibility his work gains. This is also a good way to weed out phonies and grudge-holders, neither of whom are likely to post commentary about different restaurants. They'll stick to either puffing or slamming the place in which they have a vested interest.

Actually, considering the source is just a good idea in general. Sometimes “Joe Average” isn't the guy on whom you want to base your big night out. Take a look at the places he usually frequents and decide if maybe he's writing outside his comfort zone. Let's say “Joe's” idea of fine Italian dining is the local pizza joint or spaghetti emporium. Now, let's say he winds up at Bricco in Boston's North End. I guarantee that the octopus or the stuffed zucchini flowers or the Veal Valdostana or the Pappardelle al Cinghiale are going to be somewhat unfamiliar to his palate. And then there's the price. A meal of Mozzarella di Bufala Caprese as an antipasto, a primo of Amatriciana Garganelli, a secondo of Veal Ossobuco with Chick Pea Frittelle as a contorno, and a dolce of Torta di Ricotta totals out at just under a hundred dollars – without beverages, taxes, or tips. So here's “Joe's” likely review: “I like Italian food. Back home, me and my wife go to Guido's Spaghetti House or Big John's Pizza Palace every week. When we were in Boston, we went to this place on Hanover Street that was supposed to be Italian, but they didn't have any pizza or spaghetti and the weird stuff they did have costed more than I make in a week. I won't ever go back there again.”

Of course, “Esquire” magazine's John Mariani says, “"Worth every penny for what I consider ... the finest Italian cooking in the country right now." But what does he know?

I'm not saying “Joe” isn't entitled to his opinion. However, having read up on “Joe's” experience and given the choice of whose opinion is going to influence my decision, I think I'd have to go with John. Especially since the New York Times, the Boston Globe and several other respected sources agree with him. Sorry, “Joe.”

Another example: in my city, there is a little Italian place downtown. It's not part of a chain and it's kind of tucked away where you might not notice it if you weren't looking. It's a “must go” spot for my wife and me, especially when we entertain visitors. On a whim, I looked at a few reviews online. Out of eleven reviews on Yahoo!, nine were four or five stars. Two were one star reviews. Here are a couple of observations from the negative reviews: “There were no offerings for a toddler. No bread is served with dinner which is really weird for an italian restaurant.” I'm sorry, did you ask about a kiddie menu before you sat down? And a lack of free bread is not really all that “weird” in more upscale Italian restaurants.

Another “average” reviewer opined, “ I felt like I could have gotten better pasta for less money at Olive Garden. I think it was too bland or something.” Since when is Olive Garden the standard for fine Italian cuisine? And “too bland or something”....come on! Was it too bland or wasn't it? This is an educated opinion upon which I should make a decision? No way.

On TripAdvisor, some goof complained because the restaurant didn't accept reservations and had difficulty accommodating his group of fourteen when they invaded it on a busy post-graduation night. Excuse me, did you call first? Or did you just assume you were that important? This one was especially grating because the “reviewer” admitted that he had been there before. And he didn't notice that the place was not set up for large groups?

As I said, everybody has an opinion. Unfortunately, not everybody has a brain to go with it. You don't have to be a gourmand (I hate the term “foodie”) to write a review, but it does help to know a little something about your subject. If your idea of haute cuisine is the “Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n Fruity” at IHOP, you probably shouldn't be offering critical commentary on four-star restaurants.

Look for these elements in a well-constructed review: time frame and restaurant conditions. Was it lunch service or dinner? Was the place packed or empty? What was the ambiance? Noisy, quiet, romantic, family friendly? Comments on service should be all-inclusive, covering not only waiters and waitresses, but hosts/hostesses, busboys, bartenders, and any other ancillary waitstaff. “Food was good/bad/okay” is not sufficient. A reviewer should discuss specific aspects of specific dishes and/or courses. What did they eat? What did their companions eat? Was there something else on the menu that looked interesting? Discuss portions -- too big, too small – and prices. Reasonable or too expensive for what was being offered? It's okay to mention negative points in a generally positive review and it's okay to introduce a high point into a negative commentary. It's called balance. A good review should conclude with a summary and a recommendation. A comprehensive review includes location, hours of operation, proper attire, reservation status, parking and basic contact information.

Now, with a fork in one hand and a pen in the other, go forth and mangia! The world is waiting for your opinion.

Buon Appetito!