I Would Say, “Say It Isn't
SO!”......But It Is
What hath Darden wrought!? Olive
Garden, the “Italian” restaurant chain that is far more
representative of the tastes of Rome, Georgia, Florence, South
Carolina, or Naples, Florida than of Rome, Florence, or Naples,
Italy, has unleashed a new culinary abomination in the form of a
nacho knockoff called “loaded pasta chips.” Yeah, you read that
correctly; an “Italian” restaurant is now serving nachos. And not
even real nachos, at that, but a bastardized “Italian” version of
a Tex-Mex conglomeration thrown together by a guy named Ignacio
“Nacho” Anaya at a Mexican border town restaurant in 1943. Does
OG ever do anything that isn't derivative? As my Italian ancestors
spin their way out of their graves in Emilia-Romagna, let me describe
the dish.
Take fried lasagne strips to represent
tortilla chips. Top them with mozzarella and Parmesan cheeses and a
three-meat tomato sauce loaded with chicken, meatballs, and sausage.
Throw on some cherry peppers to double as jalapeños and drizzle it
all with cloyingly creamy Alfredo sauce. Add a garnish of Pecorino
Romano, Parmesan, and fresh parsley, and, tah-dah! – you have an
instant Italian classic. And every Italian on the planet says, “che
cazzo!?” Or at least, “uffa!”
Ostensibly,
the......the.....creation is intended as a Super Bowl nosh, but it's
going to be available until April 1. Perhaps we're all just victims
of an extended pre-April Fool's joke.
Since I generally
only go to Olive Garden when there are no Italian restaurants within
a fifty mile radius (or when I get a gift card), I have not yet
sampled this....this.....whatever this is, but surprisingly, I'm told
it's not too bad. Or maybe not surprising since the ingredients are
all Italian or Italian-ish. I mean, at least
these.....these.....these Franken-nachos have decent DNA. I've even
heard them described as “wickedly good.” Of course, a lot of
people think lutefisk is wickedly good, but I wouldn't exactly expect
to see it on an Italian menu.
But
then again maybe I should expect to see it on an Olive Garden menu.
After all, we're talking about a place that uses “evolving the
brand,” “reinvigorated dishes,” and “we're bringing new
things to the table” as part of its marketing strategy. The sign on
the building still says “Italian Kitchen,” but what the hell; I
have an “Italian kitchen” too, and I recently catered a wedding
reception where the customer wanted a taco bar. I guess that means
I'm “evolving the brand,” huh? Sometimes you just have to do what
the customer wants even if you have to do it with clenched teeth. And
apparently Olive Garden's culinarily challenged customers want
Italian nachos. Boh!
Darden
needs to either remove the word “Italian” from their logo or add
the word “American,” because while there's a huge
Italian-American influence
in the kitchen, there's not much that's veramente Italiano.
And the problem as I see it is
that far too many Americans, especially those in the hinterlands
(remember Marilyn Hagerty, the sweet if somewhat palate-numbed
restaurant “critic” in Grand Forks, North Dakota?), are being led
to believe the stuff they are being served at Olive Garden is the
epitome of real Italian cuisine. It's bad enough they are being
deluded into thinking that overcooked, under-seasoned pasta and
unlimited breadsticks are Italian hallmarks straight out of a mythical
“Culinary Institute” in Tuscany, but now they're throwing in
freakin' nachos? Porca miseria, gli italiani sono fregati!
I'm
thinking of organizing a nationwide protest. Maybe recruiting Italian
nonne to
march around with signs saying,
“quello è NON italiano,” or
“basta dire di no a nachos,” or
just simply “sono incazzato.” Yeah.
That ought to do it.
No comments:
Post a Comment