We
Don't Need New “Stars;” Just Let the Old Stars Cook
Why am I still watching “Food Network
Star?” I guess the bigger question is “Why am I still watching
Food Network?”, but since that is a whole different topic for
discussion, I'll defer for now and focus on the question at hand.
This is Season 10 for this dog and pony
show that used to go by the name “Next Food Network Star.” They
dropped the “Next” a few seasons back, probably when they
realized that nobody emerging victorious from this goofy competition
show was truly going to be their next “star.” They've also
changed the format and selection procedure a couple of times, trying
to figure out the best way to hand a contract to the talentless
nobodies they've been touting as “stars.”
Honestly, they haven't had a real
“star” since Guy Fieri took the prize back in Season 2. In
astronomy, the luminosity and magnitude of stars is calculated on a
complicated logarithmic scale ranging from 1 to 6, with 1 being the
brightest and 6 the dimmest. If Fieri, whose annoyingly ubiquitous
presence dominates entire nights of programming, is a 1, then where
are all the other “stars” the network has produced through this
mildly entertaining but ultimately irrelevant pastiche?
Season 1's Dan Smith and Steve
McDonagh, “The Hearty Boys?” There's a couple of prominent names
for you. I was talking about them just........well, come to think of
it, I've never talked about
them. Where is Season 3 winner Amy Finley these days? Was she a bona
fide “star” or just an embarrassing nova? Season 4's “Big
Daddy” Aaron McCargo, Jr. is certainly a household name, provided
your at his house. Melissa d'Arabian was a stay-at-home mom who might
as well have stayed at home. I haven't “partied” with Aarti
Sequiera since the day she went on the air. Jeff “Sandwich King”
Mauro was a bust and what the hell ever happened to Season 8 “winner”
Justin Warner? He never even got a show out of the deal. They stuck
him on a one-hour special that nobody but his mother watched, and now
he glitters dimly in the firmament, the Little Star That Couldn't.
And the network execs dutifully gave last season's Demaris Phillips
her six episodes on Sunday morning, and that was pretty much that.
This season's crop
of future nobodies has got to be the worst of the worst. They may be
responsible for a “7” being added to the brightness scale. The
contestants that can cook have absolutely no camera presence and the
ones that have a glimmer of personality can't cook. Lenny McNab –
he of the cowboy hat and dinner plate belt buckle – is the only
possible exception, but I don't see his so-called “gourmet cowboy”
POV taking the country by storm. If he wins, he'll get his six shows
in a time slot that nobody watches and he'll join the rest of the
“stars” in lusterless obscurity.
So where are the
Food Network's real stars? Well, three of them are wasting their time
and talents “mentoring” flocks of wannabes instead of doing what
they do best; cooking and teaching people how to cook. Alton Brown
used to be a funny, edgy, quirky guy who had one of the best and most
informative cooking shows the network ever produced. And now he's a
game show host. People have been ragging on Giada De Laurentiis for
years, saying she's nothing but a pretty face. So the suits have
pulled her out of the kitchen, where she actually possessed
incredible cooking chops, and turned her into nothing but a pretty
face. As for Bobby Flay, one of the first and brightest stars on the
network, he has been reduced to being a professional competition
judge. Whenever the network wants to add gravitas to one of its silly
contests, they trot Bobby out. I'm surprised they haven't fitted him
with a black robe and a wig. “Here come de judge, here come de
judge.”
These
are the people we want to watch cook. We
want to learn from them and to be able to recreate their recipes and
cook like them. Back when my mom was in the final stages of cancer,
Giada and her “Everyday Italian” were my inspiration. I was
actually able to find flavorful dishes that Mom could eat that were
easy to prepare and fun to make. That's what
made Giada De Laurentiis a Food Network “star.” Nowadays, they
still give her a bone to cook now and then, but mostly they rely on
her to be the pretty “face” of the network. Same thing with
Bobby; give him his own competition show where he can cook a little
but otherwise make him the network's own personal “Mikey.” “Let's
get Bobby to do it. He'll do anything.”
Wolfgang
Puck saw the writing on the wall years ago and saved himself the
indignity of being pink-slipped like Emeril Legasse was. And Mario
Batali was getting his Crocs full of BS and bailed out before it got
too much deeper. Talented chef Tyler Florence is technically still a
“star,” but they've taken him out of the kitchen and sent him out
to hang around in malls and chase after food trucks. Jaimie Oliver
gave Food Network a go, but didn't really care about being one of
their “stars.” Same with fellow Brit, Nigella Lawson. Anthony
Bourdain took “A Cook's Tour” on Food Network, but the experience
left a bad taste in his mouth. And unlike most of the other real
culinary experts the Food Network has either dumped or dumped on in
favor of a cadre of barely qualified small-time diner cooks or home
cooks with delusions of grandeur, Anthony Bourdain has “No
Reservations” (sorry) about telling it like it is. Bourdain
says of himself, “It's not an integrity thing—I'm just
constitutionally and emotionally and neurologically incapable of
keeping my mouth shut.”
He really likes Food Network “star”
Sandra Lee. He calls her “the frightening hell spawn of Kathie Lee
and Betty Crocker” who “seems on a mission to kill her fans, one
meal at a time.” According to Bourdain, network cash cow Rachael
Ray is “selling us satisfaction, the smug reassurance that
mediocrity is quite enough.”
And on the topic of Food Network
programming in general, Bourdain calls it “a calculated break with
the idea of the celebrity chef as a seasoned professional and a move
toward an entirely new definition: a personality with a sauté pan.”
In his best-selling book, “Medium Raw,” he expands on his
feelings. “With every critical outrage — the humiliating,
painful-to-watch Food Network Awards, the clumsily rigged-looking
Next Food Network Star, the cheesily cheap-jack production values of
Next Iron Chef America — every obviously, half-assed knock-off they
slapped on the air would go on to ring up sky-high ratings and an
ever-larger audience of cherished males twenty-two to thirty-six (or
whatever that prime car-buying demographic is.)”
Food Network doesn't need to
manufacture new “stars” through, as Anthony said, “a clumsily
rigged-looking” glorified game show. That's not how they found
their “old” stars. Emeril, Mario, Bobby, Giada and the rest never
had to jump through hoops. They cooked their
way to celebrity; and that's what they should be doing now. Never
mind the “next” Food Network “Star.” Give us back the
previous Food Network stars and just let them cook.
Finally an intelligent assessment of the Food Network! I only disagree in three areas: Giada (Ms T & T--one T is for teeth) is neither pretty nor a good cook; Alton, where he was once at least informative, if irritatingly goofy, is now a mean clown; and the ever-cheesy Lenny McNabb is not a true cowboy cook in the sense of say, Keith Rawlins. Oh, well, at least I found an excellent Italian food blog!
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