It happens all the time. You're just
sitting down to a nice dinner or just settling in to watch your
favorite TV show, and the phone rings. “Hi! I'm So-and-So from
Such-and-Such and I'd like to tell you about this-and-that.”
Frustrated and angry at the unsolicited interruption, you make some
comment about the caller's parentage either just before or just after
you slam down the phone, your mood ruined and your blood pressure
elevated by several points. But it doesn't have to be that way.
Now, I don't have any foolproof way of
keeping such calls from occurring. I've tried signing up for the
so-called “do not call” lists, but I still get calls. However, I
employ a method that makes the experience more fun and more
satisfying. I speak Italian.
Nearly everybody has some form of
caller ID these days. You recognize the numbers of your friends and
relatives, but it's those strange or “unknown” numbers that make
you go “hmmm.” Especially if there's an “800” or an “888”
involved. You know if you don't answer the phone, they'll probably
just call back, so you suck it up and pick it up. But here's how to
have some fun with it.
Instead of “hello,” say, “Pronto!
Chi parla?” This is the most
common way of answering a phone in Italy. It literally means, “Ready!
Who is speaking?” I admit this greeting may be a little odd to the
American ear, but consider that if Alexander Graham Bell had had his
way, we'd all be answering the phone with, “Ahoy! Ahoy!” So just
accept the cultural difference and move on.
A
nice, cheery, “Ciao!” also
works, as if you were expecting a call from a friend. This has the
added benefit of covering your butt in case the caller is somebody
you really wanted to talk to. Your mother calling from somebody
else's phone will just chalk it up to eccentricity on your part.
But if
it's a telemarketer, hearing anything other than “hello” will
probably slow them down quite a bit. Not trying to be ugly here, but
let's be honest; many of the people making these annoying, intrusive
calls do not inhabit the higher branches of the tree, if you know
what I mean. They have their little scripts all written out in front
of them and if the conversation doesn't start the way the script says
it should......well, they get a bit flustered. Most of the time,
“Pronto! Chi parla?” will
be met with a moment of confused silence. That's usually when I'll
take advantage of the confusion and amp it up by either repeating the
phrase or throwing in “Salve?,” which
is Italian for “hello.” The truly timid telemarketer will, at
this point, abandon the call.
If you
get an intrepid one who soldiers on, your next line of defense is,
“Mi dispiace. Non capisco.” Don't
worry, you're not saying anything dirty. It's just, “I'm sorry. I
don't understand.” Repeat this until they hang up, which usually
won't take very long. I get tenacious callers now and then who try to
ask, “Is there anyone there who speaks English?” At which point I
respond, “Inglese? No. No inglese.” One
time the caller whispered to somebody nearby, “They don't speak
English. What do I do now?” The answer, of course, was to abruptly
terminate the call. I did get a smart cookie once who asked me if I
spoke Spanish. All it took was, “Spagnolo? Non parlo
spagnolo” to end that call.
I suppose I'll get
caught someday by somebody just off the plane from Rome or whose
mother was from Naples, but it hasn't happened yet. And in the
meantime, listening to these people as they stutter and sputter in
utter confusion – my, wasn't that a line worthy of Gilbert and
Sullivan? – is really great entertainment. They're messing with
your day, so why shouldn't you mess with theirs a little?
This approach will
likely not work with Spanish. Goodness knows, more people in the
United States speak Spanish now than they do English, so attempting
to confuse a telemarketer with Spanish will probably only hook you up
with a Spanish-speaking telemarketer. But so far, Italian
telemarketers are few and far between. The same is true, I'm sure, if
you know a few words of French or German or Japanese or maybe even
Latin. In fact, a lot of computer-generated spam calls are programmed
to make the connection after you say “hello.” If you don't say
“hello,” they don't complete the call. But where's the fun in
that?
So the
next time your phone rings at the worst possible moment and you
highly suspect a spam caller, don't be angry or mean and don't be
upset. Be nice, be friendly, be Italian!
Ciao!
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