I don't suppose I'd surprise anybody if
I said the old Food Network ain't what she used to be. Once upon a
time, you could actually learn about food there. If you were new to
the kitchen you could learn how to cook and even if you were an
experienced hand you could garner advice on how to cook better. The
Food Network used to be about food. With a schedule jam packed with
competition shows and “reality” programs, it's hard to tell what
it's about now. Kind of like TLC. Remember when that used to stand
for “The Learning Channel?” Populated now by bratty toddlers with
tiaras, vapid cheerleaders, cougar wives, and the likes of Honey
Boo-Boo, the only thing I've learned there is to not turn on that
channel.
Oh, I'm still a Food Network junkie. It
remains my “go to” station. When I turn on the TV, I always start
at channel 231 before looking to see what might be on elsewhere.
Unfortunately, whereas there used to be something on every night, it
seems now that “elsewhere” is becoming an increasingly popular
option.
I recently came across a blog post by
writer Molly Dunn from the Houston Press entitled “5 Food Network
Shows That Need to Go.” I find myself in complete agreement with
Ms. Dunn's choices.
(http://blogs.houstonpress.com/eating/2013/01/top_5_food_network_shows_that.php.)
Her picks include “Mystery Diners”
and “Restaurant Stakeout.” Same show, different cast of
characters. I can't figure out what the network needed with one of
these programs; I certainly can't fathom the presence of two. I agree
with Ms. Dunn that both programs are hard to take seriously. The
premise is flimsy and the situations so obviously studied and
scripted that nobody with two active brain cells would believe them
to be anything other than fake. Kind of like “professional”
wrestling. Okay, so your restaurant is losing bucketfuls of money and
you think you know who's responsible. Do you, A) confront the
malefactor and fire him, or, B) call the Food Network and have them
send out a phalanx of cameras, both overt and covert, to “secretly”
watch the suspect while you sit in a dark room with a guy who sends
in shills and directs them through unlikely scenarios in an attempt
to confirm what you've already figured out for yourself?
And while we're on the subject of dark
rooms, have you ever noticed there's nearly always an
empty office or warehouse or shop or something right next door to
these afflicted establishments? I drove past several restaurants in
my city and tried to find one that had a conveniently vacant space
adjacent to it. No dice. And yet Charles and Willie always seem to
find a perfect place to set up their command centers.
Which brings me to
another issue; I know that technology has advanced to the point where
you can conceal a camera in a matchbox, but some of the “hidden”
devices they display on these shows are about as obvious as a thumb
in your eye. And nobody in the place notices? “Hey, that big
honkin' camera stuck to the ceiling wasn't there yesterday, was it?”
My favorite line is
the one the announcer sonorously intones when Willie Degel shows up
for the “emergency meeting.” “These employees have no idea of
who is about to walk through that door.” That's right, they have no
idea. And they continue to have no idea even after he introduces
himself as “William Jack Degel of Uncle Jack's Steakhouse.” Why
should they know and why should they care? I mean, this isn't some
world-class culinary figure like Gordon Ramsay. If a fat dude in a
pink tie walked into my place during a staff meeting and announced he
was Joe Blow from Blow Me Down Steakhouse, should I be impressed? And
would somebody please help Willie with his wardrobe? The ubiquitous
pink tie is bad enough, but surely he owns something other than that
pair of white shorts he wears to nearly every follow up.
Ms. Dunn says she
is “creeped out” by “Sweet Genius” Ron Ben-Israel. Me, too.
I've seen Ron Ben-Israel on other shows and he seems like a pretty
normal guy. But the persona they've stuck him with on this silly show
is........creepy. “I am a sweet genius. Are you?” To begin with,
identifying yourself as a “genius” is a tad arrogant, don't you
think? And considering the various connotations of the word “sweet,”
the way this ballet dancer-turned-baker says it is.......creepy. As
to the weird ingredients and odd format alluded to in Ms. Dunn's
article, I really can't comment. One episode of this show was all it
took for me to decide that one episode was one too many. I even fast
forward through the promos.
While we're on the
subject of annoying program hosts, let me cast my vote for Justin
Willman of “Cupcake Wars.” Also known as “Justin Kredible,”
he bills himself as an actor, entertainer, and magician. He's done a
lot of work on kiddie shows and maybe kiddies think he's funny and
entertaining but I find him irritating and bordering on smarmy. He
and that insufferably pompous French judge, Florian Bellanger, are
the two main reasons I gave up on the show after just a couple of
episodes. That and the tired, derivative format.
Melissa d'Arabian
and her “Ten Dollar Dinners” also make Ms. Dunn's heave-ho list.
She likes the premise but doesn't like the host. What can I say?
Melissa d'Arabian is the product of Food Network's current “star”
system, the same system that gave us the likes of Aaron “Big Daddy”
McCargo, Aaarti “Paarti” Sequeira, and a host of other
forgettable lesser luminaries. The real “stars” like Bobby Flay,
Giada De Laurentiis, Mario Batali, Alton Brown, Tyler Florence –
even, heaven help me, Ina Garten and Paula Deen – aren't being
discovered and developed under the aegis of today's network execs who
seem to feel that still another goofy “competition” show is the
way to populate the firmament. So you get what you get; six-week
wonders stuck on Saturday and Sunday mornings with an occasional
prime time guest shot to justify the network's investment.
Then there's Ms.
Dunn's principal candidate for the hook, Sandra Lee. Like Ms. Dunn, I
really wonder what she's doing on Food Network. I don't know where
they found her, but I wish they'd send her back. Actually, I do know
where. She was an infomercial host on QVC, known primarily for
hawking her eponymous “Sandra Lee Kraft Kurtains.” Ah, but she
did attend Le Cordon Bleu......for a week. Close enough for a Food
Network star! Sandra Lee is a total construct; a wooden frame with a
plastic facade. Her questionable culinary ability runs about as deep
as her ersatz, synthetic Stepford personality. She won a Daytime Emmy
not for her tremendous cooking skills but for her “Outstanding
Makeup.” Woo-hoo! When I need to learn how to cook from a box, I'll
just read the directions, thank you. With her proclivity toward
processed, preservative-laden products, one might think she was
related to Sara Lee – except “nobody doesn't like Sara Lee,” a
claim Sandra Lee can't make. Ask Anthony Bourdain.
There
are other shows that I'd like to see axed. “Health Inspectors”
comes to mind. Never watch this show when you're eating. And don't
watch it if you ever plan to eat out again. There are some things you
don't really want to
know. This one's a little contrived, too. So, let's say, for the sake
of argument, that I own a restaurant. And let's say that I know I
have a health inspection coming up. And I know that my place is so
disgustingly filthy that it'll never pass. So what do I do? Do I, A)
consult the health codes and regulations and clean the place up
accordingly, or, B) call Food Network and ask them to send out Ben
Vaughn with a camera crew to show the entire world what a clueless,
ignorant doofus I am and to stand there with “stoopid” written
all over my face as Ben “discovers” one unsanitary disaster after
another. “Oh, you mean if I'm knee-deep in rat turds, I might fail
my inspection?” Du-u-u-uhhh! This is “reality” TV at its unreal
worst. In my state, and in many others, the law requires
the presence of a ServSafe certified employee in every eating
establishment. You can't tell me
all these people don't know basic sanitation practices and require a
TV show to come in and educate them. Besides, in my experience,
health inspectors don't usually call you weeks in advance; they just
kinda show up and catch you with your pants down. That's been known
to happen, too, but I don't want to give Food Network any more ideas
for new reality programs.
And then there's
the infamous Food Network “overkill” factor. When they do luck up
and find somebody with a little charisma who sorta knows his way
around a kitchen, they stick him in your face until you're sick of
looking at him. I'm not pointing fingers at Guy Fieri, of course, but
in the next one week period from the hour of this writing, “Diners,
Drive-Ins, and Dives” will air fifty-six times and we'll be treated
to an additional fourteen exposures to Guy on “Rachael vs Guy”
and “Guy's Big Bite.” Seventy opportunities to watch Guy Fieri in
seven days. Even his mother wouldn't watch him that often.
Under Bob Tuschman
et.al, Food Network's programming is broken. But its profits are
soaring. The network is pandering to the same audience that puts
Honey Boo-Boo on a pedestal. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me to see
a crossover; “In the Kitchen with Honey Boo-Boo.” The prevailing
philosophy seems to be along the lines of you'll never go broke
underestimating the taste or intelligence of the American public or
appealing to the lowest common denominator.
And where does that
leave foodie junkies like Molly Dunn and me? Living with our hopes, I
guess. Hopes that someday somebody “upstairs” will wake up and
smell the bacon. And continuing in the meantime to choose favorite
dishes from an increasingly sparse buffet.
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The View from My Kitchen
Benvenuti! I hope you enjoy il panorama dalla mia cucina Italiana -- "the view from my Italian kitchen,"-- where I indulge my passion for Italian food and cooking. From here, I share some thoughts and ideas on food, as well as recipes and restaurant reviews, notes on travel, a few garnishes from a lifetime in the entertainment industry, and an occasional rant on life in general..
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Grazie mille!
You can help by becoming a follower. I'd really like to know who you are and what your thoughts are on what I'm doing. Every great leader needs followers and if I am ever to achieve my goal of becoming the next great leader of the Italian culinary world :-) I need followers!
Grazie mille!
Most of food network is crap. All these personality. phony setup shows with people who just want attention and some sort of fame. In addition to your and ms. dunn's choices, I nominate Pioneer Woman with the fingernails on chalkboard voice, annoying personality and her plagiarized recipes, well I can read the back of the box myself! What happened to cooking instructional shows as opposed to personality based " food entertainment", & competition shows filled with unknowledgeable narcissists.
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