Not Everybody is Cut Out to Be an Iron Chef
I'm sitting here pondering, “How the
hell do you hurt yourself with an immersion blender?” And yet there
it is. According to a recent article in the New York Times, mandoline
slicers, meat grinders, food processors,and immersion blenders are
sending folks to hospital ERs with alarming frequency. In fact,
quoting stats from the US Consumer Product Safety Commission, nearly
twice as many people wound up being treated for kitchen-related
injuries in 2011 as were seen in 2001.
The article speculates that a
concomitant rise in televised cooking shows may have something to do
with it. Maybe so. After all, a lot of people who have hardly ever
seen the inside of a kitchen are suddenly being turned on to cooking
by the likes of Bobby Flay, Rachael Ray, et. al. They run out and buy
all the latest gadgets they see on TV and, having no idea how to use
them, wind up as emergency room statistics. Face it, not everybody is
cut out to be an Iron Chef.
Short of an anti-griddle, an immersion
circulator, and an ice cream machine, I own most of the aforesaid
gadgets. And I'm trying to think of how many times I've hurt myself
on one of them. I have a fairly decent track record, a record I
attribute to two factors: being careful and knowing what I'm doing.
There are pretty much two kinds of
injuries you're going to get in a kitchen; burns and cuts. Yeah, you
can slip and fall or have things fall on you, but, by and large,
you're either going to get cut or burned. I've had both. And
ninety-nine percent of the time it's been my own careless fault.
Burn-wise, the one exception happened
when I was in high school and a defective handle caused a pot of
smoking hot oil to overturn. It was an uncomfortable recovery period,
especially where the oil melted my
polyester pants. Otherwise, most of my burns have been of the “Ouch!
Merda!” variety that
occur when you touch a hot lid or pot handle or when you brush the
edge of an oven rack or the inside of the oven door. And we won't
even talk about grease splatters and steam scalds. They just come
with the territory.
I have
a deep fryer. I've never had any trouble with it because I remember
two very important rules: (1. Never overfill a fryer (or a pan in
which you intend to fry something.) Even if you dry them, many of the
foods you stick in the hot oil are going to have some moisture left
in them or on them and it will cause the oil to bubble up really,
really fast. This has the
potential of sending you to the hospital or of bringing in the
firefighters. The second rule ties in with the first; don't throw
frozen food into the hot oil. It will cause the oil to bubble up
really, really fast........
If you should
sustain a serious burn – as in second or third degree – whether
it be a dry burn or from oil or water, don't try to tough it out with
some sort of cockamamie, half-assed home remedy. I once saw a poor
schmuck get an armful of boiling water clean up to the elbow. Some
idiot knew how to “take care of it.” She slathered soy sauce on
the guy's arm and wrapped it in paper towels. Basically, she
marinated his arm. After two trips to the ER, the guy wound up
hospitalized with an infection.
I've
had my share of knife nicks, too. Mostly of the type that make you
say naughty things and run for a Band-Aid. Oh, there was that time
when I was about eleven years old and I was doing dishes and I ran
the full length of the sharp side of a knife I was drying across my
palm. I was still too young to have a respectable command of naughty
things to say, but you know what? I've never done
it again. Lesson learned.
Knives
are probably the most dangerous of all kitchen tools, especially dull
ones. You can do a lot of damage to yourself with a sharp knife, but
the potential for
damage is much greater with a dull one. The main reasons I still have
all my fingertips and only a relative few scars on my knuckles are
that I have very sharp knives in very good condition, and that I am
acutely aware of my limitations. Some people aren't. They watch guys
like Mario Batali slicing through vegetation at blinding speed while
simultaneously looking directly into the camera, and they think, “I
can do that.” No. They can't. I really believe there should be a
disclaimer similar to the “Do not attempt. Professional driver on a
closed course” line they use on the car commercials every time some
TV chef starts flashing his knife skills around. Trust me, flashy
knife skills make for great TV, but for practical purposes, slow and
steady wins the race. And keeps you out of the hospital.
Believe it or not,
one of the most common cutting injuries results from slicing bagels.
A 2008 government safety study ranked bagel cuts as number five on
the top ten. I guess it's because so many people hold the bagel in
their hand and hack away at it. Put – the – bagel – down. Then
hold it with the flattened palm of your hand while you slice
horizontally through it. The bagel, that is. Not your hand.
Two other examples
of careless knife handling before we move on to slicers: cutting on
boards or surfaces that shimmy and shake like a hoochie-coochie
dancer, and sticking your hands blindly into a sink full of murky
water – and sharp knives. Both practices are pretty much guaranteed
to redesign your digits. A simple way to stabilize an Elvis board –
you know, one that rocks and rolls – is to spread a damp cloth
under it. And never put sharp knives into dishwater. They turn into
alligators. Hold the knife in your hand as you clean it, then dry it
and put it away.
Moving on, slicers
will really get ya. Mandoline slicers most of all. I once saw
somebody on “Top Chef” slice herself right out of the competition
with a mandoline. She was being all “Top Cheffy” and not using a
guard or protective glove. I'm paranoid; I use both. And, along with
piles of neatly sliced produce, I still have all ten fingers to show
for it. Seriously, though, just enter “mandoline slicer injuries”
in your favorite search engine and see what you get. Gruesome.
Meat slicers or
deli slicers are also killers. Or, at least, great reshapers of
Mother Nature's original design. Ask my son. Fortunately, the part of
his finger that he lopped off eventually grew back. A butcher I knew
when I was a kid wasn't so lucky. He was preoccupied at work one time
and now points at things with an inch-and-a-half-long stub.
I've cussed my food
processor a couple of times over the years. Actually, I've cussed my
carelessness when picking up the round slicing blade. That rascal is
razor sharp and you shouldn't blindly reach out for it while your
mind is on something else. Band-Aid!!
Let's
talk can openers for a minute. Now, the actual tool itself is pretty
harmless, but the results of using one can be scary. The fancy new
ones, like the OXO Smooth Edge, that make cuts below the lid and
leave no sharp edges are very good. You have to be trying
to cut yourself with one of
those. But the old-fashioned openers that leave nice jagged edges
around the top of the can have caused many a careless cook to seek
medical assistance.
Have
you ever grated a few layers off your knuckles on a box grater? It
happens. In fact, it happened to Mario Batali on one of his first
tapings of “Molto Mario.” He was grating carrots for a tomato
sauce and zip! He
just stuck his bleeding hand into the tomatoes and hoped nobody would
notice until he could get cleaned up during a break. I would not
recommend this approach in your kitchen.
As for blenders and
immersion blenders, I don't get it. Unless the injuries occur when
cleaning the blades, maybe. Otherwise, only somebody on the fast
track for a Darwin Award would stick their fingers anywhere near the
business end of an operating blender. I go with Alton Brown's idea
for cleaning an immersion blender; immerse it in hot soapy water and
fire it up. You can also clean a regular blender in a similar
fashion; put soapy water or at 1:1 mix of baking soda and water into
the blender and turn it on. No need to be fishing around with your
fingers.
Mixers
– both hand and stand – can also be manglers. They don't have to
be. Simply make sure the mixer is off when
you plug it in and that it is unplugged when
you try to eject or remove the beaters. And surely I don't have to
tell anyone to remove the beaters before you or the kids try to lick
them.
There are lots of
other hot, sharp, or pointy things in the kitchen that can do you
harm if you're not careful. I know of somebody who got a nasty,
concentric ring-shaped burn on the palm of her hand because she
leaned on an electric eye that still registered 223 degrees despite
having been turned off for more than a minute. All this is not to
say that you should avoid the kitchen. Just be aware of the dangers
therein. Most of the things I've described – indeed, the majority
of kitchen accidents and injuries – are the result of simple
carelessness. Know how to use your gadgets and tools, even something
as simple as a knife. No showboating in the kitchen. And try to work
in a safe environment. Screaming kids running through the room
chasing the dog as the TV blares and the phone rings almost guarantee
an accident to happen. Banish stress and distraction and remain
focused on the task at hand, lest your hand become the focus of some
emergency room doctor's task.
Be careful and be
safe.
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The View from My Kitchen
Benvenuti! I hope you enjoy il panorama dalla mia cucina Italiana -- "the view from my Italian kitchen,"-- where I indulge my passion for Italian food and cooking. From here, I share some thoughts and ideas on food, as well as recipes and restaurant reviews, notes on travel, a few garnishes from a lifetime in the entertainment industry, and an occasional rant on life in general..
You can help by becoming a follower. I'd really like to know who you are and what your thoughts are on what I'm doing. Every great leader needs followers and if I am ever to achieve my goal of becoming the next great leader of the Italian culinary world :-) I need followers!
Grazie mille!
You can help by becoming a follower. I'd really like to know who you are and what your thoughts are on what I'm doing. Every great leader needs followers and if I am ever to achieve my goal of becoming the next great leader of the Italian culinary world :-) I need followers!
Grazie mille!
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