At Last! It May Soon Be Illegal To Massacre Italian Words!

There's No “American Way.” Wrong Is Wrong.

As regular readers know, I have long been on a quixotic quest to stamp out the egregious mispronunciation of Italian words. Italian is such a beautiful, flowing, melodious, language that it makes my ears bleed to hear some flat-accented English-speaker ask for “broo-SHET-uh” in an Italian restaurant. Brits and some Canadians with their bowls of “PAST-uh” (rhymes with LAST-uh) and Americans who put “mare-uh-NARE-uh” sauce on it make me want to run screaming into the night.

“Oh, well, that's just the American way of saying it.” Yeah. And it's also the WRONG way of saying it. I am fond of quoting French author and critic Anatole France who once said, “If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.” There's no “American way” or “British way” or whatever. There's simply a right way and a wrong way.

And maybe soon the Italian government will back me up. Under new legislation being introduced by Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni, the Italian Culture Ministry would set up a committee to monitor the “correct use of the Italian language and its pronunciation” in schools, media, commerce, and advertising. This means that “mare-uh-NARE-uh” miscreants could be fined somewhere between $5,000 and $100,000 for mutilating the most lyrical language on Earth.

Unfortunately, the penalties would only apply in Italy.

The fantasy that such a law could be enforced in the US is drool-inducing. For one thing, it would enrich the coffers of Italy beyond the dreams of avarice. And it would end the endless aural assault on my nerves. Just think! I could finally enter an Italian eatery without cringing every time somebody ordered a plate of “spug-ETTY mare-uh-NARE-uh” with a side of “broo-SHET-uh.” It would be wonderful! Meraviglioso!

But, alas......it's only a dream.

I get little support among my native Italian friends in America because Italians are inherently too polite to correct anybody. Fortunately, my Italian heritage is tempered by a strong dose of French and everybody knows that the French will slap you silly over the slightest mispronunciation of a syllable.

And fuhgeddabout any sympathy from Italian-Americans. They are among the worst offenders what with their “gabagool” and “moozarell” and “rigott.” Interesting fact: most Italian-Americans don't actually speak a word of standard Italian, relying instead on the garbled dialect words and phrases passed down by their parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents. I saw this in action myself recently when a New Yorker opened a little Italian-American cafe nearby. He tossed one of those dialect words at me in describing a dish on offer. When I responded by asking, “è fatta in casa?” (is it homemade?), he looked at me like I'd grown a third eye. My “non parli italiano?” was met with, “I don't speak Italian. We just always call it 'gabaladina'.” No wonder I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. Everybody else calls it “caponata.”

See why Italy would make a mint if it was able to enforce proper pronunciation worldwide?

And I really don't understand why the Italian language gets the old “it's the American pronunciation” treatment when other languages are strictly adhered to in the US. For instance, even the most linguistically limited American can go into Taco Bell and perfectly pronounce “quesadilla.” I have yet to hear the guy who says “mare-uh-NARE-uh” down at the Italian joint say “kwes-uh-DILL-uh” over at the Mexican place. (Okay. My wife's grandfather used to say “TACK-oh,” but he was the exception,) Nobody orders “FILL-it MIG-non” anywhere, do they? Most people take the time to learn that when ordering soup in a Vietnamese restaurant, it's pronounced “fuh” and not “foe”. Spanish, French, Vietnamese, Japanese, Chinese, German.......all get their due respect in terms of proper pronunciation. But Italian? Nah. Say it any old way you want and just fall back on “that's the American pronunciation.” I don't get it.

So, back to that proposed legislation in Italy, the bill would also try to combat the use of English and other foreign words in official communications. Apparently “Anglomania” is becoming a problem, with random English words, phrases, acronyms, and names creeping into the official Italian lexicon, something that the bill's sponsors say “demeans and mortifies” the Italian language. Wow! If they want to be mortified, let them come to the States and sit in an Italian restaurant for an hour or so. They'll go back to il bel paese and wash out their ears.

“I'd like a KAL-zone with some ex-PRESS-oh, please. And maybe a bowl of min-uh-STRONE, too. GRAT-zee.” Uffa! It just made my fingers hurt to type that.

Buona fortuna, Italia. You're going to hear a lot of gobbledygook about how languages are “living things” that “evolve” and that pronunciations change through “common usage.” Yeah. Well stick evolution in your ear, Darwin, and stop leaning on “common usage” as an excuse for intellectual laziness. Mispronunciations of “marinara,” “bruschetta,” “calzone,” et.al are not high-flown “evolution through common usage.” They are just plain wrong. Foolish, even. And you know what Anatole France and I have to say about foolish things, right?