First Texas Pete And Now Barilla. Doesn't Anybody Read The Damn Labels?

Watch Out, Chattanooga Bakery. You're Next

I was amused a few days ago when I read of a lawsuit filed by some guy in California who was claiming injury because he discovered that “Texas Pete” hot sauce is not made in Texas but is, in fact, a product of North Carolina.

O-o-o-kay. The Garner family has been making its “Texas Pete” sauce in Winston-Salem, North Carolina since 1929. It's never been made in Texas and nobody ever claimed it was. When the Garners started producing an old family recipe for commercial sale back then, a marketing advisor suggested branding it as “Mexican Joe.” But the all-American Garners wanted an all-American name, so they thought a little north of of the border and then, instead of “Joe,” they tacked on “Pete,” the nickname of one of the Garner boys. Since Western movies and movie cowboys like Tom Mix were all the rage in the early 1930s, they slapped a colorful image of a rootin', tootin', lasso-swingin' wrangler on the label. Thus was “Texas Pete” born.

Fast-forward about a hundred lawsuit-free years and now some dimwit claims that he thought Texas Pete was made in Texas because there's a drawing of a cowboy and the word “Texas” on the front label? Really!? Did this MENSA reject ever think of looking at the back label? The one that says with excruciating clarity, “TW Garner Food Co., Winston-Salem, NC 27105.” The only thing that shocks me more than the abject stupidity of this suit is the fact that it actually got accepted by a court.

Side note: As a result of this pea-brained pagliaccio's trifling tort, interest in and sales of “Texas Pete” have skyrocketed.

And now I see that someone of the same apparent mental acuity is going after Barilla. I don't even know where to start to unpack this one.

Let's begin with the basis of the suit: the pair of brain trusts filing this one say that they were enticed to buy several boxes of Barilla product based on the pasta maker's slogan, “Italy's No. 1 Brand of Pasta,” featured prominently on the front of the box between two images of the Italian flag. Well! It should be obvious that this screams the indisputable fact that the stuff in the box comes straight from the Old Country, giusto? I mean, after all, it says “Italy” on the box and then there's that green, white, and red flag and everything. (Face palm) OMG, I hope these idioti never drive past my office on a day when I'm displaying the bandiera d'Italia on the pole outside. They're likely to sue me for not being the Italian embassy or something.

Okay, I'm looking at a box of Barilla pasta. And yep, there it is. Right there on the front of the box. Between two little Italian flags. “Italy's No. 1 Brand of Pasta.” Now I'm going to turn the box over. Oh, wait! What does it say there on the side? “Barilla America, Inc. Northbrook, IL 60062?” And what else does it say, right under that part? “Made in the U.S.A. with U.S.A. and imported ingredients?” Gee, I guess the loony litigants missed that glaring disclaimer.

I've been writing for years about fake Italian food products masquerading as authentic under the guise of green, white, and red packaging and pseudo-Italian words that end in vowels. The thing is, Barilla is not fake. It's a privately-owned Italian pasta producer headquartered in Parma. And it really is the leading pasta producer in Italy. So what's wrong with displaying that fact on the packaging? How many products ballyhoo themselves as "Number One" or "The Country's Best" or "The World's Finest" or something? These nut bags are suing for false advertisement. But the claim of being Italy's number one brand is not false. 

Barilla has American production plants in Iowa and in New York that utilize the same equipment and processes that they employ in Italy. But in no place on that iconic blue box does the company state that the product in the package was made in Italy. Unless, of course, it was. In that case, the limited products  that are made in Italy and sold in America (Barilla Tortellini and Barilla Oven Ready Lasagne) clearly state, “Product of Italy. Distributed by Barilla America, Inc.” All ya gotta do is read the whole box instead of just looking at the colorful pictures. If it doesn't say “Product of Italy” or “Prodotto d'italia” or if it doesn't bear the PDO/DOP seal designating it as a Protected Designation of Origin/Denominazione Origine Protetta product, then it's not from Italy. Pretty simple. The only thing simpler is suit-happy dullards who can't read labels.

And yet, an even simpler federal judge ruled that the couple suffered “economic injury” and that they presented enough evidence to prove that they wouldn’t have bought the Barilla if they had known it wasn’t made in Italy. Like it says on the f***ing box.

Talk about a slippery slope! Buitoni uses green, white, and red packaging and there are Italian words – “dal 1827, Da Casa Buitoni” – on the label. But Nestlé owns that company and its products are manufactured in Danville, VA. Are they the next ones to be fitted for a lawsuit? What about Ronzoni and San Giorgio? Both are American-based companies. Granted, they don't mimic Italian colors or use Italian verbiage on their packaging, but the names certainly invoke Italy, don't they? And I literally can't count the number of little Italian flags that wave at me from cheap store brands that want to capitalize on Italian identification for their sadly inferior American-made dreck. Are they all liable for deceptive advertising litigation now that Barilla has been targeted?

Barilla says “assurdo.” (Well, the company spokesperson actually said “unfounded,” but I think “absurd” fits better.) They basically said, very politely, of course, “Look at the box, morons,” and then went on to state, “We’re very proud of the brand’s Italian heritage, the company’s Italian know-how, and the quality of our pasta in the U.S. and globally.”

The kooky complaint whines because Barilla doesn’t exclusively use Italian wheat in its products and exploits consumers who are willing to pay more for authentic Italian pasta. Have you priced a box of Barilla lately? Trust me, it ain't nowhere near what you're gonna fork over for “authentic Italian pasta.” Common sense should tell you that. But, unfortunately, common sense isn't all that common anymore. The whiners also gripe that Barilla has an unfair advantage over “lawfully acting competitors” at the expense of “unwitting consumers.” "Unwitting"? Let's try “witless consumers”. Like the ones who are asking an American court to stop an Italian company from using Italy’s likeness in its marketing and on its products. Oh, and, of course, they want monetary compensation because they say they overpaid for the pasta. OVERPAID!!?? Barilla sells for about two bucks a box!! Get me an address for these dipsticks and I'll send them ten bucks so they can drop their stupid suit.

Watch out, Chattanooga Bakery, Inc. You're next. (For the uninitiated reader, Chattanooga Bakery makes Moon Pies. Not on the moon, mind you, but in Tennessee. Aha! Another lawsuit in the offing!)

Okay. My blood pressure is now through the roof and my confidence in humanity is somewhere down in the sub-basement, so I'm going to conclude this diatribe. I'm just going to go out and buy me some North Carolina Texas Pete sauce, some Iowa Barilla pasta, and maybe some Tennessee Moon Pies and chill out. So sue me.