It Wasn't Hell's Kitchen, It Was
Kitchen From Hell
Let me warn you from the outset that
this is a long, long story. And it must be read in its entirety to
really be appreciated. The telling of it is something of a catharsis
for me and the reading of it should be a cautionary tale for you. So
go get a cup of coffee or a glass of wine or a nice cold beer or
something and prepare to kick back.
It was about two years ago that I
turned the key for the last time in the door of a restaurant with
which I was involved. It had been a frustrating experience. The
struggling owner had finally agreed to my help, but too late to save
the business. I had agreed to a ninety-day arrangement to try to
turn the operation around but once I was fully involved, it only took
me about ninety minutes to realize it was all too far down the rat
hole to save. Ultimately, all I could do was slow down the bleeding
as we shuttered the place once and for all. I hate failure and,
despite my best efforts and some nominal short-term successes, I felt
like I had failed. And as I locked that door I vowed never to do it
again: no more restaurants. I'm old and retired and the restaurant
business is for the young and vigorous. I've got my personal chef gig
to keep my hand in the game and that's enough for me.
What is it they say? Never say never?
It started again when a friend told me
he was opening a brand new restaurant. He's never run a restaurant
before, but he's got this great concept. After seriously questioning
his sanity, I said, “Well, when you get ready to open, give me a
call and I'll come look the place over.” That was it. The extent of
my commitment. “I'll come look the place over,” meaning I
would make sure the “i”s were dotted and the “t”s crossed
when it came to health codes and licenses and such. I'd just be
lending a hand to friend, that's all.
See, I have more than average
restaurant experience in my family. My grandparents ran restaurants,
my uncles and aunts ran restaurants, my wife and I have run
restaurants, and one of my sons is in the restaurant business. And
that's just the ownership and/or management end. That doesn't factor
in numerous family members who have been cooks, servers, bartenders,
bussers, dishwashers and the like, my own service and my wife's
experience in those areas included. So I do know a thing or two about
the industry and it's this knowledge that keeps getting me in
trouble. That and the fact that the words “no” and “never”
don't seem to exist in my otherwise extensive vocabulary.
Anyway, a few weeks go by and my friend
calls me. I get an address and meet him at his new place. And it's
really beautiful – from the outside. It's a grand old building in
the historic district that he has spent a year-and-a-half and nearly
a million dollars buying and renovating.
I found out he had sacrificed more than
a quarter-million dollars in tax assistance for which he was eligible
as the owner of a historic structure because he had fundamentally
altered the exterior of the building by knocking out a window and a
door and replacing them with a modern electric roll-up garage-style bay
door. Why? Because he thought it was cool and “upscale.” He's
going to open the door on nice evenings, he says. And invite in every
flying, crawling, and hopping bug in the county, I thought.
Inside, it's a nightmare of ladders,
construction equipment, building materials, dirt, dust, and large
empty spaces. No water, no lights, no tables, chairs, stools or
restaurant equipment. I ask him when he's planning to open this
“upscale” palace of his and he smiles proudly and says, “Next
month.” Next month? This place isn't ready to open next year! I
feel weeds beginning to grow.
You might not be familiar with the term
“in the weeds.” It's an idiomatic expression in the restaurant
business that basically means overwhelmed or in over your head. It
happens, for instance, when your dining room is slap full on a
Saturday night and two of your three line cooks, one of your two prep
cooks, your dishwasher, your bus person, and half your servers all
call in sick. Get the idea?
My friend is Vietnamese. And he has as
little taste for Italian food as I have for Asian cuisine. “Sauce
too sour,” is what he tells me. I fixed a nice baked ziti one day.
He took his portion back to the kitchen, chopped up a bunch of
lettuce and cabbage and I don't know what all and – as my Italian
grandmothers whirled like turbines in their graves – tossed it all
in with the pasta. “No good,” he said. “Must have vegetable.”
Anyway, I asked him what his specialty was going to be. I figured it
would be something Asian and I was half right. He did indeed plan to
feature Vietnamese food and some Japanese, specifically sushi. But he
was also going to have Mexican food and American food on his menu.
What's more, he planned to import Vietnamese cooks from Vietnam to
cook the Vietnamese food, Japanese cooks were coming to cook the
Japanese food, he'd find Mexican cooks to cook the Mexican food, and
local American cooks would cook the American food. The weeds were now
up to my ankles.
Before we go any further, let me
explain that this is a very small, very rural Southern town, crippled
by the declines of the tobacco and textile industries upon which it
once depended. There are a couple of mom & pop diner and
cafe-style operations, a couple of chain fast casual places, the
usual coterie of fast food joints, and, of course, a Waffle House. To
say that the local tastes are plain and unsophisticated would be a
vast understatement. One of my Italian friends found this out when he
opened a place in a similar town nearby. He can sell pizza and
spaghetti and meatballs to the locals all day, but even the simplest
Italian dishes like spaghetti aglio e olio or cacio e pepe
go sailing right over their heads. I tried to caution my Vietnamese
friend that his menu was too ambitious, but he remained convinced
that his Vietnamese noodles and his pho were going to revolutionize
the local culinary world. And the weeds grew.
They shot up another couple of inches
when he asked me to recommend the names of some good-quality kitchen
equipment. I went through a list: Viking, Blodgett, Vulcan, Vollrath,
Globe, Garland.....several others. “Which is best?” I told him
they were all good and that a lot depended on what he was looking
for. I told him there were several area restaurant supply places that
could help him choose and that many of them could set him up with
some good used pieces for a decent price. “Oh, no! All must be new!
Top quality and new! Must match!”
I went back a couple of weeks later and
saw, for the first time in my life, a whole row of gleaming, brand
new, still wrapped in industrial plastic top-of-the-line matching
Vulcan restaurant equipment. A six-ring range with a convection oven,
not one but two double fryers, a three-burner flattop, and a big
honkin' charbroiler. There was also a commercial wok range and a
two-burner stock pot stove especially for his soup. Throw in sandwich
units and a reach-in freezer and lowboys and prep tables and......the
eye-glazing list went on. I had never seen well in excess of
fifty-thousand dollars worth of matching stainless steel all still
wrapped in plastic. It was amazing.
Still more amazing was the little piece
of equipment I saw him fiddling with at the bar. Oh, did I forget to
mention his plan for a full bar with top shelf liquor, dozens of
local wines, imported and domestic beer in bottles and twelve beer
taps? All surrounded by seven huge flat screen TVs? And live music
nightly? Anyway, he was attaching this device to the bar. I asked him
what it was for. “To chill glasses,” was the response. I pointed
to the bank of refrigerators and freezers already in place under the
bar. “You can chill glasses in those,” I said. “This more
upscale,” he replied. I inquired, “How much?” The weeds sprang
higher at the reply, “Two thousand dollars.”
Then there were the custom-made tables
he ordered from California at a cost in excess of $12K. With matching
chairs, of course. And the banquettes; the white leather
banquettes. Not faux-leather or
vinyl. No. These were real textured top grain white
leather, at a cost of which I am
blissfully ignorant. Doesn't he realize what's going to happen to
that white leather after a few butts in blue jeans slide across it
and a bunch of shoes and boots start kicking it and kids start
bouncing on it and spilling stuff on it? But he doesn't care: it's
“upscale.” And the weeds continued skyward.
This was quite a
departure for me. The last guy with whom I had worked didn't have two
pennies to rub together and we had to do everything on the cheap.
This guy had to be tied down and handcuffed to keep him from throwing
money at everything in sight.
He began stocking
his kitchen. He had more woks than I have ever seen. And he had
ordered a butt-load of sizzle plates for fajitas. But there was not a
single skillet or saucepan anywhere to be seen. I pointed out this
obvious shortcoming and he responded by bringing in some stuff from
somebody's home kitchen. He seemed genuinely surprised when I told
him it all had to go. And so did the brand new Black and Decker
non-commercial toaster oven he bought and set up on the line. And the
dish sponges he was using to wash dishes. And about a dozen other
health code violating elements I kept finding as I slogged through
the growing weeds.
He
began bringing in food. And the battles over properly arranging
things in his walk-in cooler began. As did the constant fight to keep
things off the floor. Every time
I walked into the kitchen I found myself screaming, “You can't do
that!” And the next day the
raw food would be back above the cooked food in the walk-in and the
bags of rice and sugar and what have you would be back on the floor.
And the damn sponges would be back in the dish bay. And the mops
would be leaned against the wall with their heads up so the dirty
water could drip down the handles. And the waste baskets would be
missing from the handwash sinks. And the ice scoops would be left in
the ice bins. And there were always stacks of wet dishes everywhere I looked. “You
have to let them dry,”
I would plead. “It take too long,” was what I got in reply. I
would shout, mi stai impazzire (you're
driving me crazy) and he would say something in Vietnamese and the
battle would rage on.
As he
began to hire kitchen staff, he started listening to what everybody
told him he needed to have. Some of it was stuff I had been hammering
him about for weeks: pots and pans, tongs, spatulas, Cambro
containers, hotel pans – basic stuff he should have had weeks ago.
Now with everybody telling
him to buy stuff, he went on another spending orgy and bought
everything. But
because his new staff had already figured out that their boss had
more dollars than sense, they were convincing him to buy big ticket
items like a $1,200 Robot Coupe. While those of you in the business
are picking up your jaws, I'll explain to the uninitiated that this
is a very expensive, very high-end commercial food processor. Did he
need a food processor? Yeah. Did he need a frickin' Robot
Coupe? No.
The tipping point
was the menu. He had paid eight-thousand dollars to somebody who saw
him coming for the design and printing of his menu. When the garish,
poorly laid out but beautifully printed and spiral bound menus
arrived, they were so riddled with errors that they had to be trashed
and redesigned and reprinted. I handled that at a cost of less than a
thousand dollars.
But it
wasn't just the printed menu that was the problem. What was on
that menu was the problem. Even
the reps from the major food distributors were trying to tell him his
eight-page menu was unsustainable. But he wouldn't listen. He plowed
right ahead, buying tens of thousands of dollars worth of food that
he predictably discovered overwhelmed his storage capacity.
But
the best part of the debacle is yet to come. When he found – as I
told him he would – that the local job pool was not neck-deep in
ethnic cooks, he gave up on the idea of having a dozen chefs
specializing in four specific cuisines and settled for hiring four or
five local guys and gals who could cook a variety of things. But he
insisted on doing the Vietnamese dishes himself. Which would have
been fine had he ever spent even thirty seconds as a cook on the line
and had he even known how to make the goddamn stuff
himself! He hadn't a clue! He
had put all this stuff on the menu based on what he liked and what he
had seen in other restaurants, but he didn't know how to really make
any of it!
His opening date of
“next month” had long since gone by the wayside. For one thing,
he had no tables or chairs: his California supplier had taken his
money up front and then dragged out delivery for several weeks past
the promised date. He hadn't hired any FOH staff, not the first
server or host. Oh, he had a pile of applications, but no employees a
week out from his new opening date. Which he planned to meet using
old mismatched tables he dredged up from the basement and covered
with white linen tablecloths. What he did have – besides a
fractious and fractured skeleton of a kitchen staff – was his
“management team.” This consisted of one semi-retired guy who had
run his own country-style diner once and who had worked for a couple
of chain places. And there were three young women who had been either
waitresses or bartenders at local establishments. Mind you, they'd
never managed a day in their young lives, but they had at least
worked in restaurants. The fifth member of his team was my wife, whom
he had prevailed upon at the last minute to join with and perhaps
help balance out his merry band. But besides her involvement with our
small personal chef business, she has a full-time job in the “big
city” and had neither the time nor the interest in being anything
more than a part-time “fill-in” wherever she might be needed. She
made that clear at the outset.
The kicker was that
none of these folks was “in charge.” There was no structure like
a general manager with assistants to supervise various areas. Nope.
Everybody was “equal.” Which meant everybody was running things
the way they saw fit based on their own level of ineptitude and
inexperience. Hiring and training staff, working out the seating,
setting up the bar, learning how to operate the POS.......all this
and a hundred other day-to-day details were left up to the
“managers,” four of whom – including my wife – all had other
full-time jobs and were only available at the restaurant on limited
days and for limited hours. This left the bulk of the work to the
older guy who quickly got snowed under. My wife tried to tell our
friend from the get-go that this “management by committee” was
doomed to failure, but he wasn't listening.
That's
because he was busy back in the kitchen learning how to make the food
he was advertising. As I told him, if I opened an Italian restaurant
and featured bucatini al'Amatriciana or pasta puttanesca or even
fettuccine Alfredo, I would damn sure know how to make the dishes
before I put them on
the menu! He just got pissed at me for pointing out yet another thing
he didn't want to hear. And the weeds are now waist high.
Working with this guy was so maddening.
There were times when even Jesus Christ would have thrown up his
hands and shouted, “ME!”
There was a lot more. Like when several
of us had to talk him down off the ledge because he wanted to call in
the television stations for the grand opening which was to include a
band and a full-fledged Chinese dragon parading around out in the
street. But frankly, I'm as tired of writing about all the lunacy as
you probably are of reading about it.
It all boils down to a dream. Here's a
guy who has never owned, managed, or worked in a restaurant before.
Hell, at this point, I'm not sure he's even been in a
restaurant before. But he has a dream. And I found myself living in
his dream, which – with a nod to Gordon Ramsay – was rapidly
turning into my
kitchen nightmare. But instead of “Hell's Kitchen,” this was
kitchen from hell.
The
problem with beautiful dreams is that they more often than not clash
with harsh reality, and that's something I could never get my friend
to see. Kenny Rogers and Kim Carnes had a big hit back in 1980
with a song called “Don't Fall In Love With A Dreamer.” Truer
words were never spoken.....errr...sung. I
might modify the lyric a bit; change it, perhaps, to “Don't go into
the restaurant business with a dreamer.”
The
beginning of the end of my ride on this treno pazzo
actually came when I called out
his dream. Fed up and fuming beyond the usual mi stai
impazzire stage one day, I told
him his dream was out of touch with reality. “I know you see
yourself as the smiling, genial host, circulating among tables full
of happy diners consuming your liquor while your staff glides
smoothly around serving them plates of delicious food to rapt and
effusive praise. I know you envision stepping through the kitchen
doors, where your line of immaculate cooks will be singing songs as
they effortlessly prepare your exotic dishes. Even the bussers and
the dishwashers will be glad for the opportunity to work in such a
wonderful place.” Then I hit him square between the eyes with
reality. “After the initial grand opening blush, there will be days
when you won't have enough customers to make it worth opening the
doors. Your servers are going to quit because they can't make enough
money.” I told him his kitchen staff would break down over stress
and long hours and some of them would walk without notice. When they
were slammed they would be hot, sweaty, dirty and short-tempered and
when they were bored they would be worse. “And nobody will be
singing.” “You wrong,” he shouted. “It not be that way ever!
You go too far!” Yeah, well. The only far place I went was out the
door.
Good friend and
damn fool that I am, I came back and stayed on through the
disastrously successful opening. As predicted, he made a ton of money
in the first few days. He was slammed to the walls with a butt in
nearly every seat. And I found myself making trips to Walmart on
opening day to replenish stocks of food he kept running out of
because he hadn't listened to anybody in advance. He had to 86 mashed
potatoes because he ran out of spuds and he had to 86 french fries
when the freezer ran out of those. And I was buying flour tortillas
by the carload because he was selling the hell out of tacos.
Burgers and tacos
were his biggest selling items. His sushi did okay but his Vietnamese
dishes went nowhere. Can you say “I told you so?” He changed the
menu three times in the first week. Of course, by then there were
hundreds of take-out menus all over town with items that weren't on
the actual menu anymore and the menus on the website and Facebook
were in a constant state of flux. It became kind of a game to log in
and see what the “menu of the day” was. My wife and I tried to
tell him to introduce the community to the unfamiliar stuff by
running dishes as specials to see what caught on. But......yeah, you
guessed it. He wouldn't listen.
No, that's not
quite right. As the pressures and consequences of his incompetence
began coming home to roost, he went from a stance of listening to
nobody to one of listening to everybody. Somebody would tell him
something in the morning, he would implement it in the afternoon and
ditch it by nightfall after somebody else told him something
different. It was quite pathetic to watch. His wife said she couldn't
even talk to him about the restaurant anymore because he would just
get angry.
The head cook –
or at least the one who knew the most about what the hell he was
doing and tried the hardest – took me aside at one point and said,
“I've been doing this a long time and I've never seen anybody have
to learn every fuckin' thing the hardest fuckin' way possible.” All
I could say was, “Yep.”
The reviews started
coming in. The food was great but the service sucked. Maybe because
when I tried to tell him he needed to set up actual training sessions
for the servers at least two weeks before he opened, he ignored me
and let his “managers” handle it. Basically, the servers were
given a crash course in how to operate the POS and then handed menus
and told, “Go forth and serve.” The most consistent complaint in
the reviews? “The servers don't seem to know the menu.” Well,
duh! And when you change the damn thing three times in a week, what
do you expect?
That's where my
wife began to lose it. Not only did she wear a “manager” nametag,
she also donned the hat of webmaster and menu designer, something she
offered free of charge because she felt so bad for the way he had
already been screwed over. She has a degree in graphic design and
more than twenty-five years experience operating and managing sign
shops, print shops, and the graphics department of a fairly large
newspaper conglomerate. But she simply couldn't keep up. He was
making changes by the hour. He was watching his menu disintegrate
before his eyes and there were days when the menu that was posted
when the doors opened was not the same menu that closed out the day.
Because she had another job and a life outside the bedlam, my wife
couldn't make the changes rapidly enough to keep pace. Well, there
was a girl in the kitchen who had taken a class at a community
college and who had Adobe software on her computer. When she
volunteered to take over managing the hourly menu updates, our
“friend,” without a moment's consultation with or consideration
for my wife and all her hard work to that point, let her do it.
The
hosts and the servers and the bartenders started quitting. And so did
the cooks. And the bussers and the dishwashers. And, finally the
“consultant” and one of the “managers” called it a day. Yep.
My wife and I walked for good after one of the so-called “managers
meetings” where nothing was ever really managed. Between that and
the menu insult, we'd had enough. We simply got tired of being
ignored and superfluous. Basta cazzate! Non me ne
importa un cavolo! Non mi più essere il scemo, quindi vaffanculo!
And that about says it all.
The day after I
left, the health inspector dropped by: five critical violations and
three non-critical ones. And every blessed one of them was for things
I had stomped and shouted and fussed about day in and day out.
When my wife went
down later that day to turn in her keys, it was a very contrite man
who reluctantly accepted them. “I do things your way from now on. I
listen to you. You see, I change. We talk soon.” Maybe. But next
time he wants to talk, I'm not sure we'll listen.